


Midnight Citystuck

by meltycity_midnightsky



Category: Homestuck, Problem Sleuth (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Homestuck Stabdads, Auspistism, Dysfunctional Family, F/F, F/M, Gen, Kismessistude, M/M, Matespritship, Multi, Not Humanstuck, Other, Polyamory, Stabdads, Trans Male Characters, Urban Magic, Urban Magic AU, moiraillegiance, nonbinary characters - Freeform, trans female characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 05:50:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9164902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meltycity_midnightsky/pseuds/meltycity_midnightsky
Summary: Once upon a time, some alien mobsters adopted some babies. This, for some reason, made a lot of people very angry and was generally regarded as a bad move.





	1. Prologue: Num8ered Heart8eats

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to my overly complicated excuse to write stabdads feat. my inability to actually write and my love of melodrama  
> enjoy  
> ((tagged as graphic depictions of violence just to be safe))

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ex-exile and her wily ward contemplate the same events, but from different perspectives.

The universe is dying.

 

_**Something’s wrong with her.** _

 

And he thinks I don’t know.

 

_**And she thinks I don’t know.** _

 

I can feel it- in my bones, in my flesh, like a cancer.

 

_**Why won’t she tell me what’s wrong?** _

 

My ‘employer,’ for lack of a better word, feigns ignorance, but I know what’s happening to me.

 

_**Ugh, there’s just NO dealing with her when she gets like this. It’s un8eara8le!** _

 

It’s the handiwork of that monster he calls master- the very same I so foolishly pledged my life to.

 

_**Is it something I did? Is it- is it** _ **my** _**fault?** _

 

A few decades ago- or perhaps centuries ago; it’s so difficult to remember- I would have reveled in the coming destruction, wearing the pain in my body like a badge of honor. But time changes everything… even me.

 

_**I know I don’t deserve her trust, not after what I did to…** _

_**Well, it’s not like I deserve it, 8ut I wish she trusted me enough to just TELL me what’s wrong.** _

 

My heart’s grown softer- or perhaps the edge of steel in me has blunted and dulled. In any case, I’ve let myself get attached- I’ve allowed myself to _love._

 

_**For what it’s worth, I really DO love her.** _

_**I guess.** _

 

So it’s not my own death that worries me. I knew that, whatever happened, I would die. Eventually.

 

_**And it’s NOT like I love a lot of things. Like, at all.** _

 

And I could care less what happens to this world- it turned its back on me, and I on it, long ago. No, I don’t care what happens to this world, as long as those few I care for are safe.

 

_**I just wish she’d LET me love her for once. I 8arely even see her anymore- she just skulks around in the shadows like a fucking creep.** _

 

I’ve been everywhere, tried _everything_. I was hoping that maybe, if I fortified my body with spells and status effects and anything I could find, it would strengthen the universe. Unfortunately, no.It’s still crashing towards us through the fabric of spacetime.

It’s like that saying about squares and rectangles, I suppose.

 

_**She’s 8een spending even MORE time with her stupid 8oyfriends lately- 8ut she doesn’t even LOOK at me. It’s like I don’t even exist.** _

…

I’ve been avoiding her lately.

She’s too young, far too young… I can’t look at her without feeling guilty, like I should have tried harder… All these regrets come crashing down on me at once until I can barely breathe.

So I spend more time with the two of them- _him_ in particular.

I may have been hoping he’d just kill me now and get the whole thing over with, as he did, apparently, in a reality not too far removed from this one. Unfortunately, he’s changed too… though not by much. As has our relationship- it’s become less of a constant explosion and more like a slow, white-hot flame.

Pity. I blame the humans’ influence, or maybe that gang of vigilantes he was swanning around with a few years back.

 

_**Honestly, what did I ever do to her?** _

_**Oh.** _

_**Yeah.** _

**That.**

_**8ut SHE didn’t get hurt, AND she still doesn’t know it was me! She still blames her dum8 8oyfriend and his gang of idiots!** _

 

I could never forgive him for what he did to her, however ‘accidental’ it may have been. But I’m sure being less an arm and an eye ensures that _he’ll_ never forgive himself either.

 

_**I’ve talked to everyone- her other 8oyfriend, HIS 8oyfriend… I even managed to corner Doc Mcfuckface, and all HE had for me was a cup of stupid smug tea and a stupid smug lecture. No8ody knows what’s going on- Actually, I think they ALL know, 8ut just won’t tell me. Ugh, it’s just so infuri8ing!!!!!!!!** _

 

The doctor tells me she’s been poking around, asking questions about me. I just- I can’t tell her. Not yet, at least, not until I know if there’s a way to save them.

I don’t know if I ever will.

 

**_The only people I can think of who might 8e able to help me with this are pro8a8ly Fussyfangs, that 8ig idiot, and… her._ **

**_8ut all three of them are COMPLETELY out of the question._ **

 

She’s too impulsive for her own good. When she was younger, the two of them could always somehow balance each other out… mostly through threats and violence.

But it worked. Somehow.

 

_**I 8et if SHE were here, she’d tell me to “wait until she’s ready to tell us herself,” or something just as 8oring and unam8itious.** _

_**Well, you know what? I’M gonna do things MY way for once, and YOU’RE not gonna 8e around to stop me. Ha!!!!!!!** _

 

I assumed, when I took this ‘assignment,’ that my death was going to kill the universe. But now it seems that the destruction of the universe is going to kill me. Which is in turn going to kill the rest of the universe.

Not exactly how I thought it would happen.

………………

I don’t know which is going to break first- space or my body. I’m not looking forward to finding out.

But I can’t die, no matter what happens to me- not yet. I _need_ to find her. I need to know if she’s alive. I need to apologize for failing her.

 

**_If I’m 8eing honest… I do still feel kinda 8ad a8out that…_ **

**_8ut it’s not like she didn’t deserve it!_ **

**_I just… miss her. Sometimes._ **

 

My counterpart still wanders the earth, seeking the children she still insists will come. She knows what’s happening- of course she would; she’s just as cunning as me despite all the fussing about morals- and tells me that they can stop the monster tearing its way through the flesh of the Pondsquatter. I’ve given up such beliefs long ago- if they ever existed at all, there’s no doubt in my mind that they’re all dead by now.

Perhaps if I had refused his offer, continued my exile- but I could have never done that.

At the very least, I could have avoided worrying about them.

But somehow, that seems worse than the current state of affairs. Caring for people is a messy business- I can see why I avoided it for most of my life.

 

**_May8e it’s the job- 8ut no. I can see it. She looks thinner, 8ut not physically- it’s like I could see right through her if I looked straight at her. And her eyes- they look SAD, somehow. She’s NEVER sad._ **

**_She doesn’t even_ glow _as much as she used to._**

 

I wonder if they’ve noticed the galaxies and stars on my shell going out. I’ve masked it the best I could with makeup and such, but the absence of light isn’t easily hidden.

 

**_And I don’t mean that figuratively. I mean she glows- especially in the dark. 8ut… not lately. Not as much._ **

 

When she was younger, she used to love watching the lights dance over my shell. She’d try to grab them, and I’d tease her, call her my little thief…

 

**_I think she’s sick. Like… SICK sick.That must 8e it.That’s the ONLY logical explan8ion._ **

 

I can feel the cracks and rifts getting bigger, feel time slipping away from me with every heartbeat. I wonder when the scientists will notice the stars going out?

 

**_If she IS sick, why hasn’t anyone done anything? We’re the richest people in the city- we can afford EVERYTHING! The 8est doctors, the 8est thaumaturges…_ **

 

They’ll run around like rats in a trap, looking for answers. By the time they detect it, moving towards the planet like a comet, trailing death, it will already be too late.

 

**_The others have 8een talking a8out her. They’re saying she’s 8een off her game lately, 8ut they all clam up as soon as they notice me. Even her stupid_ 8oyfriend, _who’s usually okay to hang out with, won’t even look me in the eye._**

 

The only solution I can think of is to transport them into a different universe. The pods with those capabilities, if they haven’t all been destroyed, should be easy enough to find- and fuel, as long as I buy the material off the books.

Actually convincing them to go through with it… that’s another story.

And the matter of finding _her_ …

 

**_I would say she’s dying, 8ut I’m not sure if she can die. I may not know exactly what’s up with her, 8ut anyone with two eyes… well, vision eightfold doesn’t exactly hurt, either- could see that she’s definitely_ not _normal._**

 

I _am_ the universe. The universe is me. And we’re both being torn apart from the inside out. And everything- every species, every planet, every star- they’ll break and break until there’s nothing left.

 

**_8ut either way-_ **

**_She’s my mother. Even though she’s a huge 8itch most of the time- she’s MINE._ **

 

 

In two years, the sky will shatter, the earth will crumble, and three species will perish all at once. I don’t know if it will take the others with it, to serve it as they were born to do. It will have some distraught and mistrustful servants if it does. But either way, it will move on to the next universe, and this one will bleed out and decay until all that’s left is a great shriveled carcass.

 

**_I hope there’s nothing REALLY wrong._ **

**_She’s the only family I have anymore._ **

 

 

On April 13, two years from now, Earth will die, taking me- and the universe- with it. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to save the only three people I care about.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gee Vriska i wonder whose fault THAT was


	2. The Kids Break Curfew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teenage rebellion leads to gang warfare.

“This is a _terrible_ idea,” Aradia said, shaking her long, reddish-black hair out of her face and scowling at the boy in front of her. She was a tall troll girl with a thick hourglass figure, full lips, wideset, angled eyes, and curled horns that resembled a ram’s. The boy in question, a small troll with nubby horns, dark, slightly reddish skin, and fluffy, overgrown hair that hung down in front of his eyes, marched determinedly in front of her with his shoulders hunched and his head down. “You know you are literally _begging_ to get taken away by the Imperial secret police by going through with this, right?” Aradia asked, cocking her head at him.

 

“Shut _up_ ,” the boy, Karkat, replied through gritted fangs, pinning his ears back. “Do you idiots think I don’t _know_ that?”

 

Tavros, a troll boy with a thick-set figure, freckled face, tousled undercut, and large horns, wheeled himself up next to Karkat, careful not to hit him with his large horns. “Aradia’s right, this is _stupid_ dangerous,” he said, then paused, covering his mouth with one hand and yawning. “And also,” he added, “it’s _really_ late- or rather, uh, really early… do you think we can just go home?”

“No,” Karkat snapped.

 

Aradia rolled her eyes. “C’mon, Karkat,” she said, “we’re _all_ exhausted- especially you.”

“I’m fine,” Karkat grumbled, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

“No, you’re not,” Aradia replied firmly, planting her hands on her hips. “You look like you’re about to fall over.”

“I’m _fuck_ -” Karkat began, and his voice cracked. He cleared his throat and started over. “I’m fucking fine.”

“No, you’re not,” Aradia repeated. “We’re all tired, _and_ we have school tomorrow- not to mention we could all get in _huge_ trouble. Let’s just-”

 

**“I said _NO!_ ”** Karkat shouted, spinning around to face her. “It’s _fine_ by _me_ if you guys never want to stand up to that… that _huge BITCH_ , but I already fucking _told_ you- I’m _doing_ this, whether you guys are with me or not.”

He turned around again and crossed his arms.

 

Aradia raised an eyebrow. “ _Huge bitch?_ ”

Karkat blushed. “I _know_ , I _know_ , shut the fuck up!”

“I thought we agreed to move past this after we got out of middle school,” she continued, grinning mischievously. “I mean, it’s a gateway swear- one minute you’re calling somebody a huge bitch, and the next you’re showing people your stabs and calling every bar a speakeasy-”

“I _said_ **SHUT THE FUCK UP!** ” Karkat shouted. His voice echoed in the empty street, and he clapped his hands over his mouth, eyes wide.

Aradia blinked, and her ears drooped. “Geez, sorry,” she said. “It was just a joke, okay?”

Karkat rubbed his claws down his face. “I know,” he muttered.

He turned away, holding his arms. “You can just leave if you want to,” he said.

 

“No, no,” Tavros said, wheeling over and placing a hand on Karkat’s elbow. “I want to help- _really_. I feel, just as strongly about this as you- because of my, uh-” he made claw quotes in the air- “ _low status,_ and physical, disability, I’m just as likely to get culled as you are-”

 

Karkat turned and flashed him a look. Tavros shrank back, flushing with shame. “Or, uh, actually, _not_ just as likely,” he stuttered. “Much- much less, actually.”

Sollux, a scrawny, pale troll teen with a messy bowl cut, a double set of horns, and a pair of rather ridiculous-looking 3d glasses perched on his nose, who had been stubbornly ignoring the others through most of the trip, poked his head out from behind Aradia. “Way to _go_ , KK,” he lisped, pushing his red-and-blue glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “Invalidate your cripple brother’th perfectly legitimate fearth of culling because you’re a pissy little thit. Real leader material right there, dude.”

“Sollux,” Aradia said, “remember your speech therapy.” 

Red-and-blue sparks danced around Sollux’s face for a split second, and his cheekbones and the tips of his ears flushed yellow.

“And could you maybe _not_ use the word ‘cripple,’ uh, please?” Tavros asked.

“Thit- I mean, _shit_ ,” Sollux cursed. “Sorry, TV.” He ran a hand through his short, choppy hair.

Tavros flailed his hands. “No, no, it’s okay, really!” he said. “It’s fine- I mean, even _Dad_ still accidentally uses the wrong pronouns sometimes-”

 

“Can we _please_ all stop arguing about who’s the shittiest in the family?” Karkat demanded, storming over to them. “We’re here for a _reason_ , in case you fuckers forgot??”

Sollux snorted. “Maybe _you_ guys are,” he said. “I didn’t even want to come. I jutht- fuck, _just_ \- knew you idiots would get into _major_ trouble without me around to bail your asses out.”

 

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Okay, so, if you hate this so much, why the fuck are you even _here?_ ” he grumbled, crossing his arms.

“Were you even listening to me?” Sollux asked. “It’s because you guys are a lost cause without me. And besides-” he grinned, his braces flashing in the sparse light- “I practically live to do petty acts of digital vandalism.”

He flipped his phone around so the others could see it. All it was displaying was a solid black screen, with the occasional static flicker. Aradia tilted her head. “It’s… blank,” she said.

Sollux tucked the phone back into his pocket. “That’s exactly what all the security cameras from here to the mall are seeing,” he said smugly. “I would’ve done something fancier, but I’m tired.” He shrugged, then an impish grin spread across his face. “Well, I _diiiid_ plant a virus that’s going to fry their thervers permanently in about two hours…”

 

Aradia shrieked with laughter, then clapped her hands over her mouth. “Oh my _god,_ ” she said. “That’s _amazing!_ ”

“I thought you said you didn’t want to stick your neck out for things that don’t concern you,” Tavros said. Sollux screwed up his mouth and stuck his hands in his pockets. “To be honest,” he said reluctantly, “with, uh- with the way thingth- _things_ are going today, just being a lowblood is sticking my neck out.” He scowled. “Nobody tell anybody I just said that, I sounded like a Tumblr user.”

“But you _are_ a Tumblr user,” Aradia pointed out. Sollux looked at her. “That’th not the _point_ , AA, and you _know_ I only use it for shitposting.”

 

Karkat snorted and continued walking. “Hurry the fuck _up!_ ” he shouted at them, turning around and walking backwards with his hands cupped around his mouth. “We’re burnin’ moonlight here! C’mon, people, move move _move!_ ”

 

Aradia rolled her eyes. “Who does _he_ think he is, the High Threshecutioner Commander?”

“Wonder where he got _that_ from,” Sollux said sarcastically.

Aradia squeezed one of her eyes shut, slouched down, and scowled. “Get a move on, ya damn graveyard stuffers,” she said in a gruff voice. “We’re burnin’ midnight here!”

 

Sollux choked, covering his mouth with his fist. “Oh my _god,_ ” he snorted.

 

Tavros rolled up, grinning ear to ear. “You sound _just_ like him,” he giggled. “Do _your_ dad next, do yours.”

Aradia straightened up and adopted a snooty facial expression, tugging on invisible jacket lapels. “You know, you _probably_ wouldn’t have as many aneurysms if you didn’t shout so much,” she said in a haughty voice. Taking several steps away and readopting the one-eyed slouch pose, she pointed at where she was standing a few seconds before. “Fuck you, I don’t have aneurysms,” she snapped, then reassumed her previous position. “Really?” she asked, tilting her head, “because it looks like you’re having one right now.”

Tavros and Sollux guffawed as she scurried back and puffed up her chest like an offended bird. “SAY THAT TO MY FUCKIN’ FACE!” she yelled, then bent over, snorting. “Oh my god,” she gasped. Tavros doubled over in his wheelchair, shaking with laughter. “No, hold on, I can finish this..”

She stood up straight, inhaled, and said, with a straight face, “I _did_. I’m literally standing _right in front of you_ , you fucking–“

 

Her voice cracked and she burst out laughing, reddish tears gathering in the corners of her eyes.

 

 

Sollux sputtered and choked, then took a deep breath. “My turn,” he said. He straightened his spine and puffed out his chest and cheeks, trying to make his bony frame as big as possible.

“You two need ta get yer fuckin’ shit together,” he said in the deepest voice he could muster. “Am I the _only_ one who cares about the state a’ yer relationship?”

Tavros shrieked with laughter and pounded the armrest of his wheelchair with his fist.

 

Aradia slouched over to him and shook a claw in his face. “You shut the fuck up,” she growled, struggling to keep the grin off her face. “Our moiraillegiance is _our_ business, ya fuckin’-“

“Your moiraillegiance is a _FUCKING TRAIN WRECK!_ ” Sollux shouted, unable to stop himself from smiling. “You’re the worst fucking pieces of shit I’ve ever-“

He bent over, snickering madly and clutching his stomach.

 

 

Tavros wheeled himself over. “Let me try one, guys” he said. He opened his eyes wide and clapped his hands to his cheeks. “Gosh, fellas,” he said breathlessly, “do you really hafta fight like this all the time? I mean, me an’ HB don’t argue _half_ as much as you guys-“

“ _DON’T_ rub yer stable relationship in my face!” Aradia yelled, then stood up straight again, brushing her hair out of her face. “Well,” she said in the snooty voice again, “it’s not like anyone _else_ rubs their relationships in our faces- certain black liaisons, perhaps?”

 

 

Tavros and Sollux shrieked. “Ohh _shit!_ ” Tavros yelled. “Oh _shit,_ that was the _greatest,_ Aradia- I mean, Droog- I mean, uh- aw, fuck it.” He held out his hand, and Aradia slapped her palm against his. “ _Sickest_ of burns,” he grinned.

Sollux snickered, covering his mouth with his hand.

Suddenly, he frowned, and he tilted his head, ears swiveling. “Hey,” he said. “Have you guyth heard KK shouting in a while?”

 

Tavros’s face fell. “Aw, shit,” he muttered.

“Let’s go,” Aradia said, tossing her hair over her shoulder and grabbing the handles of his wheelchair.

“Yup,” Sollux agreed, darting after them.

* * *

Karkat was crouching outside of an alleyway when the others caught up with him. Without looking around, he planted a claw to his lips and waved at them to be silent. “What-“ Aradia began, but Karkat bared his teeth at her and flapped his hand aggressively, signaling for them to join him. It took a bit of shuffling to settle Tavros where he could remain out of sight, but eventually  they were hiding behind the wall, craning their necks to see into the alley. Well, all except for Tavros.

 

“What’s happening?” Sollux breathed into Karkat’s ear from where he was pinned between him and the wall by Tavros’s wheelchair.

Karkat craned his neck back towards Sollux. “Gang shit’s going down,” he mouthed. “Some poor shmuck’s got on the wrong side of the fucking Felt-“

From the alleyway came a sharp crack and a scream of pain. Aradia blanched, and Tavros looked like he was going to be sick.

 

Karkat poked his head out around the corner, then immediately pulled back and flattened himself against the wall, eyes wide and panicked. “What is it?” Sollux mouthed.

“I think they saw me,” Karkat mouthed back.

“Hey,” a masculine voice said, over the continued sobs and moans of the unseen victim. “Did you just see somethin’?”

“Nope,” a higher-pitched voice replied.

The first voice sighed. “It’s cause you’re not even paying _attention,_ Itchy, you’re just fuckin’ around on your phone!”

 

“Hey,” the second voice snapped. “I got important shitposting to do, thank you very much.”

The first voice grunted. “It was probably just a cat or something, anyway,” it muttered, and they could hear footsteps moving away from them. “Now,” it said, much more menacing than before. “Where were we?”

 

Unable to contain her curiosity any longer, Aradia placed a hand on Karkat’s head, pushing him out of her line of sight- he made a sound like a very small kitten being thrown into a bathtub- and peeked past the corner.

 

A Prospitian in a security uniform slumped against a wall, clutching his broken leg and sobbing. A tall, masculine-looking green humanoid- a _leprechaun_ , Aradia thought- wearing a green tailcoat, a red sweater vest, and a triangle-brimmed maroon hat, leaned over him, tapping a long red crowbar against their palm.

 

“I don’t _like_ people lying to me, Mr. Defender,” the leprechaun said, narrowing their- his?- eyes. “And I hear tell from _many_ reliable sources that this building’s where your employer stores objects of an illicit and very _powerful_ nature. So why don’t you just give me the passcode?”

 

The Prospitian whimpered, his white carapace stained with light gray tears. “I- I can’t,” he sniffled, trembling like a leaf in a storm. “H-He’ll… m-my family-“

“Oh, boo hoo fuckin’ hoo,” the other voice snarked, and Aradia noticed the other leprechaun, leaning against the wall and playing with his phone. This one was as far from old-fashioned- or fashionable, for that matter- as possible. The bright yellow safety helmet was one thing, but there was also the yellow plaid bowtie, leather vest, too-tight skinny jeans, a ton of anime buttons and badges, and, clashing magnificently with everything else, pink and black Heelies.

“It’s always ‘oh, my family,’ this or ‘oh, my charm-mates’ that,” he continued, rolling his eyes- an impressive feat,since he had no discernible pupils or irises.

 

“Quadrantmates,” maroon-hat corrected.

“Quadrants, shmadrants,” yellow-hat replied; “a charm’s a charm. But anyway- it’s always the same thing. Ya _know_ you’ll crack eventually. Save yourself the trouble- and the hospital bills.”

Maroon-hat squeezed his lips together. “Oh, for pete’s-“ he grumbled. “Of all the insensitive-“

Yellow-hat snorted with laughter. “ ‘ _Insensitive_ ’ my sweet ass, you just broke the guy’s leg!”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I have to be a dick about it!” Maroon-hat snapped back.

Yellow-hat waggled his brow ridges, making his piercings gleam in the sparse light. “Oh, we’re talkin’ about _dicks_ now, are we?”

Even in the dark, they could see maroon-hat’s face redden. “I swear to fuck, Itchy, if you don’t shut your smart mouth-“

“Make me,” yellow-hat (Itchy?) grinned back.

 

Karkat buried his face in his hands. “They’re fucking flirting,” he muttered. “The poor asshole’s going into shock, and they’re fucking _flirting._ ”

Sollux looked like he was either going to be sick, trying not to laugh, or trying not to cry. Or all three.

Aradia watched the proceedings with a look of morbid fascination on her face.

Tavros was biting his claws. Karkat slapped his hands away from his mouth as quietly as he could. “Stop that,” he ordered. “Sorry,” Tavros whispered back.

Maroon-hat rubbed his temples. “Listen, could we- could we not do this right now? I’m tryin’ ta be professional- I don’t know what you’re doing, but…" 

Yellow-hat threw up their hands in mock surprise. "Oh my god, everybody, Crowbar’s tryin’ ta be professional! What an amazin’ plot twist!”

Maroon-hat dragged his hand down his face. “I hate you,” he said stiffly, “so much right now.”

Yellow-hat batted his eyelids at maroon-hat. “Is that so?”

Maroon-hat pressed his lips together and looked like he was screaming internally.

 

Karkat pushed himself between Sollux and Aradia. “Any bright ideas?” He whispered. Aradia shrugged. Sollux looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “I thought _you_ were supposed to come up with the plans,” he said. “Y'know, since your dad-”

“I took that back ages ago, shithead!” Karkat hissed back. “For _fuck’s-_ ”

Aradia shut them both up by putting her hands over their mouths. “Quiet, both of you,” she ordered. “This is no time for family feuds.”

Tavros scratched his ear. "Let’s just leave,” he suggested. “It’s none of _our_ business if this guy bites it.”

"God _damn,_ ” Sollux said. Tavros cocked his head at him. “What?” He asked. “I jutht never thought I’d hear that from _you_ , TV,” Sollux replied. “You’re usually the, uh, nicest one in the family.”

Tavros shrugged. “Well, I mean,” he said, “we’re not doing anything _wrong_ if we don’t do anything.”

“He’s got a point,” Aradia said. “And anyway, it’s not like we come from the most _law-abiding_ family.”

Karkat snorted and covered his mouth with his fist.

Sollux removed his glasses and wiped them on his shirt. "Honestly, I’m with TV,” he said. "We don’t owe that guy anything- let’s just go back home and forget thith whole thing ever happened.”

Karkat looked uncomfortable. “Yeah, okay, but…”

Sollux replaced his glasses. “If you’re _that_ torn up about thith, we _can_ just call the cops,” he added. “Give them an anonymous tip and split. Good deed for the day _and_ we don’t get hurt.” 

Karkat rubbed his forehead. “The first good idea anyone’s had all night,” he muttered. “I’m not dealing with this shit anymore- let’s  call the cops and then we’re getting the _fuck-_ ”

He froze, like a rabbit in headlights, as a long, slim green hand laid itself between Sollux’s horns. Judging by the heavy, clammy sensation on his own head, the other hand had done the same to his. 

Karkat turned his head and stared right into the gaunt, bony face of yet another leprechaun, peering out from under the brim of a battered green top hat. “You shouldn’t be here,” it said in a low whisper.

Karkat shrieked, batted the hand away and jumped up, stumbling back several paces.

Maroon-hat looked up, startled. “Hey,” he said, getting to his feet. “Hey, what the _hell-_ ”

Karkat blinked, and suddenly yellow-hat was in front of him, staring into his face. “What the fuck are _you_ doing here?” he demanded. 

Karkat bared his fangs and hissed, and yellow-hat flinched back, scrunching up his face. “Um, rude,” he said as Karkat took several steps back.

Sollux growled and crackled with energy, his hair poofing up with red-and-blue sparks, and green-hat yelped and snatched his hand away from his head like it was a hot stove. 

Karkat pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Nobody move!” he ordered, sounding at least a little more confident than he felt. “Stay away from us, or I’m calling the cops!”

Maroon-hat rolled his eyes. “Itchy-” he began. 

A green-and-yellow streak blew past Karkat, ruffling his hair, and all of a sudden his phone was gone.

Yellow-hat heelied to a stop, flicking through Karkat's’ phone.

“HEY!” Karkat yelled. “That’s my- how the taintchafing _fuck-_ ”

Yellow-hat snickered. “A Will Smith background? Really?”

Karkat’s ear tips burned. “Shut the fuck up!”

 

Maroon-hat stepped over the still-sobbing Prospitian and stood in front of Aradia, Sollux and Tavros, glowering at them. Aradia scowled back, planting herself between him and the other two.

"What the hell are you kids doing out here?” Maroon-hat demanded. “What is it, like, one AM?”

Yellow-hat checked Karkat’s phone. "Two-twenty, actually.” Maroon-hat sighed. “It was a _rhetorical question,_ Itchy, so I’d appreciate it if you’d keep your smart mouth shut.”

Yellow-hat flapped his hand open and closed, continuing to snoop through Karkat’s phone.

Green-hat picked himself off the ground, brushing off his long olive greatcoat.  "Psi-onics,“ he said softly, clutching his injured hand and staring blankly at Sollux’s left ear. "That st-artled me…”

“Hey,” maroon-hat said, tapping green-hat on the shoulder. “Make sure these three don’t take off, if you catch my drift.”

Green-hat nodded dreamily, pulled a revolver out of his greatcoat, and aimed it at Tavros and Aradia. Aradia squared her shoulders and tilted her head back, exposing her neck in a display of dominance that was almost a dare, while Tavros swallowed, the chocolatey undertones draining from his face. 

Karkat snarled and began sneaking into the shadows while the leprechauns were distracted. When he thought he was far enough away, he broke into a sprint. “Shitshitshitshitshit _shit,_ ” he cursed under his breath. “Such an idiot, why am I such a fucking _idiot-_ ”

 

A green-and-yellow streak breezed by him and resolved into yellow-hat, standing in the road blocking his path. “Ah, ah, ah,” he said, not even looking up from Karkat’s phone. “Where d’a think _you’re_ going?”

Karkat hissed and bolted the other way, but once again, yellow-hat appeared in front of him, grinning. “Just keep runnin’, little guy,” he said, “but I’ll always be one step in front of ya.”

 

“We’re practically the same fucking height!” Karkat snapped. All the same, he didn’t try to run away again.

Yellow-hat tried to take his arm, but he snatched it away. “Don’t _touch_ me, dicksucker,” he growled. Yellow-hat shrugged. “Well, you’re not _wrong,_ ” he replied, accompanying Karkat back towards the others.

 

* * *

 

When they got there, maroon-hat had grabbed Aradia from behind with his crowbar against her neck, and green-hat was kneeling on Sollux’s back, twisting his arm. “Ow, _ow!_ ” Sollux groaned, his face pressed flat against the pavement. “Get off- what the thit did you _do_ to my- AA-”

 

Aradia’s eyes and skin were glowing white, she, and by extension maroon-hat, were hovering a good three feet off the ground, and she snarled, gnashing her teeth, but she couldn’t seem to shake off maroon-hat. Maroon-hat looked ill, but clung to her determinedly all the same.

Tavros was on the ground next to the Prospitian security guard, who seemed to be unconscious. His wheelchair was in a sad heap on the sidewalk, smashed to pieces.

“What the pungent everloving _fuck_ -” Karkat said. “I wasn’t even _gone_ that long!”

Yellow-hat shrugged. “Time is relative,” he said. “Ya fuck around with it for so long and it kinda loses it’s meanin’.”

Karkat gave him a dirty look. “I didn’t ask _you_ ,” he said. “And are you _ever_ going to give me back my phone?”

“Nah,” he replied. 

Sollux struggled to lift his head, but green-hat pushed him back down. With one hand, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a long  pushpin and slid it into  the nape of Sollux’s neck. A bead of yellow blood trickled down his skin, and Karkat noticed the other pins, a good dozen at least,  were stuck into his neck and scalp. “Fff _fuck_ ,” Sollux slurred, weak sparks flitting around his horns. “I… can’t…   _move_ \- KK-”

Karkat started forward, but yellow-hat grabbed his forearm. “What the fuck did you _do_ to him?!” Karkat demanded. “Let GO of me, you FUCKING _SHITLORD-_ ”

He yanked his arm out of yellow-hat’s grip and dashed towards Sollux.  “ _Get **OFF** OF HIM!_ ” he shouted, and green-hat yelped in terror and scuttled away like a large insect. He dropped to his knees, hovering his hands nervously over the pins. “Sollux, _fuck,_ ” he breathed. “What the fuck…”

He reached for the pin in the nape of Sollux’s neck. 

“Don’t!” green-hat blurted out. “You c-an’t!”

Karkat flipped him the bird and began to pull out the pin. Sollux groaned, then the groan turned into a scream. Karkat let go of the pin, heart pounding. “Sollux, are you okay?” he demanded. Sollux grunted, yellowish spittle and tears oozing onto the pavement. 

Karkat grabbed the pin again, but a green hand closed around his wrist. He looked up to see maroon-hat, his other hand grasping Aradia’s arm, frowning down at him. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, kid,” he said sternly. 

Aradia had a burgundy bruise on the front of her neck, and she looked shaken, if still angry, gulping in breaths and massaging her neck. 

Karkat removed his hand and stood up, glaring into maroon-hat’s face and trying to look as intimidating as possible. 

“And why the fuck not?” he asked, trying to keep his voice from trembling.

Green-hat hurried over and hid behind maroon-hat, glaring suspiciously at Karkat. “You have no kn-owledge of acupuncture- if you pull a pin out too quickly or apply too much pr-essure, you could kill him.”

Sollux groaned. “Fucking _great,_ ” he said thickly.

“Die knows what he’s doin’, don’t you worry;” maroon-hat said, “Anyway we don’t want a psionic burnin’ up the place. Now-” he pushed Aradia towards Karkat, who caught her in his arms- “we’re just gonna have a nice, calm chat, and-”

Yellow-hat let out a shriek and clapped his hand over his mouth. Maroon-hat turned his head and frowned. “Itchy, is this _really_ necessar-”

“Holy _shit_ ,” yellow-hat choked, a wide grin spreading across his face. “Holy _SHIT-_ oh my- _WOW!_ ”

Maroon-hat slapped his hand over his face. “Every time,” he muttered to himself. “Every damn time and he _always_ pulls shit like this-”

“Oh my _god,_ Crowbar,” yellow-hat laughed, legitimate tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. “You need to look at this, holy _shit-_ ”

 

Karkat’s stomach churned. _Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck_ , he thought.

Maroon-hat sighed, saying, “Itchy, this _really_ isn’t the time to look at memes-”

“You don’t understand,” yellow-hat replied, “this is the greatest thing to ever happen, _ever-_ ”

He sped over to maroon-hat, holding up Karkat’s phone. “Look at this, _look_ at it-”

Karkat felt his heart stop, and all the blood drained from his face. Aradia looked at him, terror in her eyes. “Karkat,” she breathed, “you _didn’t-_ ”

Karkat flailed his hands aggressively. “How is this _my_ fault?!” He demanded. “It must’ve been unlocked when they took it-”

Maroon-hat took the phone almost reverently, taking off his hat. “My god,” he said softly. “I don’t believe it…”

Aradia clutched Karkat’s shoulders and shook him. “You could’ve _done_ something instead of standing there like an _idiot!_ ” she hissed. “God _dammit_ , Karkat, this could ruin _everything-_ ”

Green-hat looked at the phone over maroon-hat’s shoulder and gasped.

Sollux struggled to lift his head. “KK,” he slurred, “what’th going on?”

“I fucked up, Sollux,” Karkat replied, voice cracking, “as per _fucking_ usual.”

 

Maroon-hat turned back to Karkat and Aradia. “Kid,” he said, “care to explain _this?_ ”

He turned the phone around. On the screen was a contact labelled FUCKING SHIT EXCUSE FOR A PARENT and a blurry picture of a Dersite carapacian wearing a fedora and a suit jacket. The features were difficult to make out, all except for one- the long white scar that slashed across the right eye.

Karkat swallowed past the lump in his throat.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember kids, always make sure your phone is locked or a bunch of green aliens will try to kill your family


	3. Hostage Situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is some angst and some fights. Some people pose as a team. Shitty teen protags are shitty teen protags. The usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((this is the bit that i decided to tag for violence, be warned just in case))

Spades Slick’s cell phone rang.

He sat up in bed, squinting and rubbing his eye, and groped at his bedside table with his metal hand. There was a _clunk_ , and the lamp fell over. “Shit,” he cursed, dragging himself halfway out of bed to pick it up. The phone continued to ring.

He clumsily replaced the lamp and picked up the phone.   _Ungrateful fucking brat_ , the screen flashed at him. Great.

He tapped the screen and held it up to the side of his head. “Kid,” he grunted, “this better be real fuckin’ important.”

 

“Wow,” an all-too-familiar voice said. “I almost don’t believe it.”

Slick sat bolt upright. “What the _hell_ is this,” he growled.

The voice chuckled. “Hold on,” it said. “I think there’s something you’ll want to hear.”

There was some muffled shouting and footsteps, and an angry shriek. The phone was silent for a moment, then he heard some grunts, ragged breathing, dragging sounds, and catlike growls.

“Go on,” Crowbar said. “Say hi to your old man.”

 

“Eat my _ass_ ,” a young voice snarled. Slick heard the snapping of teeth and a meaty crunch, and Crowbar yelped. “OW! Why, you little _shit!_ ”

 

The phone clattered to the ground, Karkat grunted, and something hit the ground hard. Other angry teenage voices started yelling. Slick heard Aradia shouting “Leave him ALONE!” and Tavros crying “Stop it, _stop it!_ ”

A gunshot rang out, and the voices fell silent.

 

The phone scraped along the ground as it was retrieved, and Crowbar grunted on the other end, his breathing ragged. “Sharp teeth your kid’s got,” he commented. “Damn, I just got this shirt…”

“What did you just do to my son,” Slick demanded. “If you hurt them, Crowbar, I swear to fuck-”

“He’s _fine_ ,” Crowbar replied. “ _No I’m not_ ,” Karkat growled distantly.

“Hey, shut up,” Crowbar snapped. 

 

“ _Fuck_ you,” Karkat replied. Crowbar sighed and said, “Will someone get him _outta_ here?”

“I got it,” a different, higher-pitched voice said, and something heavy-sounding dragged across the ground.

“Agh!” Karkat yelled, getting farther away. “Let _go_ of me, you worthless _asswad_ \- Ow!”

“Aw, shaddup,” the higher-pitched voice, Itchy, replied.

“If you want these brats back,” Crowbar continued, “though frankly I’m not sure why you would, you and the other idiots come to Kimberly and Imperial in twenty minutes.”

“NO!” Karkat yelled, and Aradia, Tavros and even a weak-sounding Sollux joined in. “No!” “Don’t be stupid, they’re gonna _kill_ you-” “Don’t do it, Dad-” “Slick-”

“Will you _please **SHUT THE HELL UP**!_ ” Crowbar yelled, and Slick winced, holding the phone away from his ear hole.

“Jesus,” Crowbar said in a more normal tone. “How do you _deal_ with these kids? Anyway- Kimberly and Imperial. Twenty minutes _exactly._ ”

 

Slick let out a low, clicking hiss. “You’re dead,” he said through gritted teeth. “You are _dead_ , you Felt bastard, do you _HEAR ME, YOU FUCK-_ ”

Crowbar hung up on him.

 

“ _-ING **PIECE OF SHIT!!**_ ” Slick shouted into the phone, even though he knew Crowbar couldn’t hear him. He shouted in frustration and threw the phone against the wall, where it bounced off and clattered sadly to the floor.

Slick’s door creaked open, and Diamonds Droog squinted in at him, wearing white silk pajamas and a maroon dressing gown hastily tied around his waist. “Do you know what time it is,” he said in a menacing monotone. “What the _hell_ are you-”

Slick stormed past him and down the hall. “Check the kids’ rooms,” he ordered.

Droog raised a brow ridge. “Why,” he asked dubiously.

“Just _do_ it!” Slick snapped back. “Hurry up!”

 

Droog rolled his eyes and shuffled down the hall towards a door plastered in Indiana Jones posters and sketches of skulls and artifacts. He knocked lightly on the door and opened it, sticking his head into the darkened room.

“ ‘Scuse me, Aradia,” he said softly. “Slick’s being-” he yawned, covering his mouth with his hand.

“- _Difficult_ again,” he continued, coming further into the room. “Well, good–”

He stopped, realizing something was… _off_. The gentle susurration of bubbles in slime was missing.

“Oh, god,” he said, hurrying to the maroon cocoon in the corner and peering into the slightly luminous green slime. “Damn,” he cursed- the cocoon was empty.

He ran out of the room and slammed open the door across the hall, covered in fairy and Fiduspawn posters. One look was enough to see that the room’s occupant wasn’t there, since his head and horns weren’t sticking out of the top of his cocoon. 

 

Slick met Droog back in the hallway. “Aradia and Tavros are gone,” Droog said shortly, and Slick growled and ran his claws over his head. “So’s Karkat an’ Sollux,” he replied. “Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ \- okay, go get Deuce an’ Boxcars. Meet at the van.”

Droog looked at Slick suspiciously. “Slick, what do you know about this?” He asked. Slick flapped his hands impatiently. “There’s no fucking _time!_ ” He snapped, trying to move back towards his room. Droog grabbed his arm. “Jack,” he said menacingly. “Tell. Me. Where. My. Daughter. Is.” 

Slick yanked his arm out of Droog’s grasp. “Don’t _ever_ call me that,” he hissed through his teeth. “Just get the others and get. To. The. Damn. Van.”

He stormed into his room and slammed the door.  

 

Droog clenched his teeth together but did as he was told regardless, slamming open Boxcars’ door. The carapace in question stopped snoring with a snort and looked around blearily, blinking at Droog.

“Whuh-” he grunted. “Droog-? Whassgoin-”

“Get up, get dressed,” Droog interrupted shortly. “The kids are in trouble.”

Boxcars scrambled out of bed, fumbling for the pants draped over the nearby chair. “Aw, fuck,” he swore. “What happened? Are they- is Tav-”

“I don’t _know,_ ” Droog replied, “Slick’s being particularly recalcitrant with the details. Get to the van, as soon as you can.” He closed the door and moved to the one next door.

 

Deuce scrunched up his face when the light fell across his bed, then sat up, rubbing his eyes with his fists.

“Oh, hi, Droog,” he said, infuriatingly cheerfully for someone who had just been woken up. “What’s goin’ on?”

Next door, Boxcars burst out of his room, trench coat halfway on and jamming his hat hastily onto his head.

“Get dressed,” Droog said. “The kids are in danger- we need to go _now._ ”

Deuce squeaked and tumbled out of bed. “Ack!” He yelped. “What?!”

Droog shut the door as Deuce began clattering around, trying to find his clothes. 

* * *

 

Slick was waiting impatiently by the van when the others climbed out of the manhole. His claws were tapping on his metal arm, and his shirt was buttoned incorrectly, but Droog declined to tell him that.

“Fuckin’ _finally,_ ” he growled, pulling the van keys out of his pocket. “Get in.”

Droog grabbed his wrist as he was about to unlock the van. “Wait,” he said. “Tell us what happened to the kids.”

Slick yanked his wrist out of Droog’s hand. “We don’t have time for this!” He hissed.

“I’m with Droog on this one, Slick,” Boxcars agreed, crossing his arms over his chest. “I wanna know what’s happened to my daught- my _son_.” 

“Yeah!” Deuce piped up from behind Boxcars’ leg. “Is Sollux okay? What happened to ‘em?”

Slick grumbled and buried his face in his hand. “ _Fine,_ ” he said. “Just- get in the damn _van,_ we’re runnin’ outta time.” 

 

They all piled into the getaway van, Slick taking the driver’s seat. He stuck the key in the ignition, turned it, and slammed his foot down on the gas. The van sped off.

“ _Now_ you have to tell us what’s happened,” Droog said.

The van skidded around a corner and barreled through traffic, and Slick put his middle finger up at the long line of cars that were honking at him.

“Long story short, the Felt’ve got ‘em somehow,” he said.

“ _WHAT?!_ ” The others demanded incredulously.

The van turned another corner, and Boxcars fell heavily into Deuce, who squeaked like a rubber toy.

“How the _hell-_ ” Droog demanded. Slick shrugged helplessly. “Fuck if _I_ know. They must’ve- _HEY, GET OFF THE ROAD, YA FUCKIN’ IDIOT!-_ must’ve snuck outta the base to do somethin’ _stupid_ , an’ come across the green fuckers.” 

“Alright,” Droog said, “but how did they _know_ they were _our_ kids?” His voice grew somber. “Slick, she couldn’t have-”

Slick waved his hand dismissively. “Nah, the bitch an’ I have an… _agreement_. It must’ve been somethin’ else.”

He yanked the wheel, and Droog’s head collided with the window with a painful-sounding _clunk_. “Ow,” he hissed, pulling himself upright and fixing his hat. “And you’re _sure_ it wasn’t a trick?” He asked.

“No,” Slick replied. “I could hear ‘em- they were our kids alright.”

He started clicking agitatedly, jiggling his leg, as the van pulled up to a yellow traffic light. 

“Just go for it!” Boxcars ordered, but as soon as he had said it, the light turned red and a stream of cars sped past.

“Son of a-” Slick swore. “Oh, God _dammit!_ ”

He honked the horn aggressively, and some other cars honked back. “Get out of the _FUCKING WAY!_ ” 

 

After a period of time that was probably shorter than it felt, the light turned green, Slick slammed the gas pedal, and the van roared across the intersection.

“Where are we goin’?” Deuce asked as Slick made several sharp turns into increasingly shadier-looking streets.

“Kimberly an’ Imperial,” Slick replied, as the van knocked over some trash cans. A large white cat-lusus and a raggedy figure wielding a yardstick scuttled out of the way. 

 

“ _That_ side a’ town?” Deuce asked, scratching his head. “Heck, _we_ don’t even go there!”

“Makes sense,” Droog said. “They’ll want an out-of-the-way place to try and kill us.”

“There!” Slick yelled, slamming his foot on the brakes. Itchy, who had been standing in the street looking at his cell phone, yelped and skidded out of the way.

 

They climbed out of the car, Deuce and Boxcars looking like they were going to be sick.

Crowbar was standing in the middle of the street, tapping his foot and holding an old-fashioned pocketwatch. Slick noticed he wasn’t holding his crowbar.

“You’re late,” he said, clicking the watch closed.

Aradia looked up, ears pricking. Her wrists were taped together behind her back, and Crowbar’s crowbar was taped to them.

“Daddy!“ she cried, running forward, but one of the leprechauns, Trace, reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her back. “Let _GO_ OF ME!” She yelled, struggling.

 

Karkat gave a muffled growl through the strip of duct tape plastered across his mouth and kicked aggressively at Trace’s shins. “Ow!” He yelped.

“Hey!” Fin yelled. “Cut that out, ya little punk!” He shoved Karkat away, and Karkat grunted and fell down.

“HEY!” Slick shouted, pointing at Fin. “Don’t you fuckin’ _TOUCH_ my son, you hear me?!”

“He _started_ it!” Fin protested, and Trace nodded, rubbing his shin.

 

Droog pulled a deck of cards out of his jacket pocket and removed the Ace of Diamonds. It glitched in his fingers and extended into a sleek black cue stick.

“Get your hands off my daughter,” he said, his voice low and menacing.

Fin and Trace looked at each other, then at Aradia, who gave them an oddly unsettling fanged grin. “I’d do what he says,” she said cheerfully.

 

Trace let go of her arm and took a couple steps back, hands raised. “Nuh-uh,” he said. “Nope, nope- that’s terrifying. I ain’t dealing with that.”

Fin hit Trace in the chest with his hand. “Don’t be a fuckin’ tadpole!” He snapped. “Long as she’s touchin’ the crowbar, she’s harmless!”

“Harm _THIS!_ ” Aradia yelled, bringing her foot down hard on Fin’s. He screeched loudly and hopped back, dropping his gun.

“Atta girl,” Droog said proudly.

 

Crowbar groaned and buried his face in his claws. “I can’t watch this,” he muttered. “Just-just- let’s just cut to the chase already.”

Several green-clad figures emerged from the shadows, cracking knuckles and tapping weapons against their palms.

“Fuckin’ _finally_ ,” Slick grinned, pulling out his own deck of cards. Deuce and Boxcars followed suit.

* * *

 

The Prospitian security guard crawled through the streets, whimpering whenever he jostled his broken leg. The occasional car went by, and he screamed at them to stop, but they either didn’t notice or were purposely ignoring him. Occurences like these weren’t exactly uncommon in Midnight City, and it was safer to not get involved.

Eventually, after what seemed like hours, he arrived in a well-lit area with a relatively large amount of people, who all seemed to be milling about in considerable agitation. He dragged himself to the nearest pair, a distressed-looking human woman and another Prospitian in a tan trenchcoat and matching fedora.

“And you’re _certain_ it was your husband?” the Prospitian was asking. The woman sniffled, wringing her hands. “How could I not be?” She quavered. “I’d know my husband anywh- _AAAAAAH!!!_ ”

The Prospitian in the fedora turned, saw the security guard, and jumped. 

“ Oh my god!” he said.

“H-help me,” the security guard pleaded. The other Prospitian crouched down, pulling a walkie-talkie out of his trenchcoat and holding it up to his mouth. “P.I., call an ambulance… are you alright, sir? What happened?”

 

The security guard stuttered and gasped. “They wanted the passcode, but I didn’t tell them… I- I didn’t…”

The other Prospitian grasped his shoulder comfortingly. “Ya did good,” he said softly. Continuing to speak into the walkie-talkie, he said, “And get the captain on the line, we might need backup.”

He patted the security guard’s hand soothingly. “It’s gonna be okay, the ambulance is on its way,” he said. “Now- do you think you can tell me _where_ this happened to you?”

The security guard pointed with a trembling claw. “Th-there,” he said faintly. “The kids… the kids…”

His eyelids fluttered shut, and he passed out. 

 

Problem Sleuth stood up. “Poor sucker,” he muttered. “These goddamn gangs running all over the damn place, causing trouble for good, law-abiding citizens… makes me sick.”

He doffed his hat to the woman. “Sorry about this, ma’am,” he said, “but could you stay with this poor fella until the ambulance comes?” He rummaged through his pockets and proffered a business card. “Here’s my card- call me later and we can have a discussion about your, uh, husband.” He pushed the brim of his hat back and jingled the ring of keys hanging from his belt. “Apparently, I’ve got some kids to save.”

 

A gunshot echoed through the air, and the woman jumped, clasping her hands over her mouth. “What was that?” she quavered. “Mr. Sleuth, what’s happening?”

 

Sleuth started running. “Sorry!” he called over his shoulder. He lifted the walkie-talkie up to his mouth. “P.I., Ace, head to Kimberly- we’ve got an issue.”

* * *

 

Slick and Droog were standing back to back, surrounded.

“Slick, do you remember what I said, all those years ago?” Droog asked, cocking his gun.

“Droog-” Slick said.

“Because I remember. I said, ‘Slick, don’t you dare bring those things into the hideout,’” Droog continued. “That’s what I said. And what did you do?”

“Droog, please-”

“You brought those things into the hideout. Completely ignore the advice of your own right-hand man.”

“Droog, is this really the time-”

“And if you hadn’t brought those things into the hideout,” Droog finished, “then we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

Slick grunted. “Are you done?”

“Yes,” Droog replied. He fired his gun, and a Biscuits fell back, a hole in his head. 

 

“Was that the original?” Slick asked, flipping a playing card in his hands. It lengthened into an old-looking iron horse hitcher.

“No,” Droog replied. He brought his cuestick around and caught an Eggs along the jaw.

“Damn,” Slick replied. He hefted his horse hitcher and bashed another Biscuits on the head.

 

Crowbar shook Deuce off his leg. “Oof!” the tiny Dersite squeaked, colliding with the pavement as all the breath was knocked out of his body.

“Fuck this,” Crowbar grumbled. “‘ _Kill the kids_ ,’ he says, but a man’s gotta draw the line somewhere, fuckin’ kids is one step too far…”

He pulled a pool ball out of his jacket and tossed it into the air. When it came back down, it had transformed into a handgun.

Continuing to mutter to himself, he aimed at Droog and Slick and released the safety. “Who’s the brains a’ this operation anyway, what the fuck’s _he_ ever done, sittin’ in his damn office all day makin’ tea… he can’t even _drink_ the stuff…” 

Karkat’s eyes widened. “ _Nmmph!_ ” he yelled through the tape on his mouth.

He stomped aggressively on Trace’s foot. “Ouch!” Trace yelped, jumping back and releasing his arm. “Hey, no, wait-”

Karkat barreled through the fray and slammed directly into Crowbar like a battering ram right as he pulled the trigger.

“Sh _it_ ,” Crowbar yelped as he and Karkat fell to the ground. The bullet fired harmlessly into the air.

Struggling upright, he seized Karkat by the sweatshirt collar. “ _Dammit,_  kid!” he yelled, shaking him. Karkat cried out muffledly, kicking his legs. 

Crowbar snarled. “That was the closest I’ve gotten in _months!”_ he hissed. He raised his hand, and Karkat flinched-

And a black-carapaced claw grabbed him around the wrist.

“Hey,” a gruff voice said. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

Crowbar’s face paled. Karkat’s, on the other hand, lit up. “Dmm!” he said through his gag. 

 

Spades Slick cut a ghoulish figure, half of his face spattered with blood and his single white eye gleaming. He bared his sharp, sharklike teeth and let out a low, rasping hiss.

“Don’t even _think_ about layin’ a _finger_ on my kid,” he growled.

 

Crowbar shoved Karkat aside, stood up and swung a punch at Slick’s head. Slick ducked, but Crowbar caught the crown of his fedora, tugging it off his head. He cursed and jumped back, the horse hitcher folding up into a playing card, which he tucked back into his jacket.

“If there’s _one_ thing you green bastards need to learn,” he said, pulling out a knife, “it’s that you never, _never_ mess with what’s MINE!”

 

They paced around each other like a pair of alley cats. “Hell of a way to talk about a kid,” Crowbar said, rotating his shoulder.

Slick snorted. “Oh please, don’t tell me _you_ know anything about kids,” he said. “What, do ya- do ya lay _eggs_ somehow, or do ya just pop into existence, already as green and _insufferable_ as possible?”

“Like _you_ have a right to talk,” Crowbar replied, “as if you’re not born in fucking _jars_ -”

With no warning, he lunged forward, swinging at Slick’s head. Slick yelped and ducked, dodging backwards as Crowbar advanced. Something gave a soft crumpling sound beneath his feet, and he gritted his teeth, knowing he had just trampled over his hat, as well as the precious licorice scottie dogs inside.

“Fuck _this_ ,” he hissed under his breath. He clicked his fingers, summoning a purple spark, then, under the pretense of dodging Crowbar’s next swing, dropped in a crouch and pressed his hand to the asphalt. Dark flames roared up from the ground and rushed towards Crowbar. “Holy-” he began, stumbling backwards, but was caught up by a green-and-yellow whirlwind before he could finish the statement. 

 

Itchy grinned down at the taller leprechaun he was now carrying bridal-style.

“So,” he said, “does this mean I… _swept you off your feet?_ ”

“Put me _down_ , you smarmy fuck,” Crowbar said.

“Okay,” Itchy replied, and stopped dead in his tracks- or tried to, at least, since the momentum kept him rolling on his Heelies for a good three feet- and dropped Crowbar.

 

“ **OW!** ” Crowbar shouted, struggling to his feet. “What the _fuck-_ ”

Itchy shrugged. “You _said_ put you down,” he replied. “What, would you rather I dropped you back into the angry-asshole-fire-of-purpleness?”

A few meters away, Slick, now panting heavily, stumbled over to Karkat, lying on his back and squirming like an upturned turtle. “Alright, alright, jeesh,” he said, yanking him into an upright position and slicing the duct tape around his wrists with the knife he still held in his hand. Karkat immediately yanked the duct tape off his mouth, hissing in pain. “Took you fucking long enough,” he growled, then coughed and stuck out his tongue. “Ugh…” 

“So why’d they tape you up?” Slick asked, grabbing Karkat’s hand and pulling him upright. Karkat pushed him away and brushed down the front of his hoodie. “I kept biting them,” he growled, and spat out a small clump of green lint, slightly stained with red blood. “And I called them ‘charmsuckers’.”

“ _ATTA_ kid!” Slick grinned, whapping him heavily on the back, and he coughed again. “ _Ow!_ ” 

“Listen, go get the others,” Slick continued.  “Get back to the van–” He staggered slightly, and Karkat jumped to support him.

“Yeah, okay, that’s all well and good,” Karkat said, pushing him upright, “but _how_ am I supposed to rescue my siblings from a pair of angry shark aliens with guns practically unarmed?”

Slick pulled out a card from his jacket and handed it to Karkat. “ _Now_ you’re armed,” he said. 

 

Karkat turned the card in his fingers curiously, and it thickened and lengthened into a pistol. He yelped and almost dropped it.

“ _CAREFUL_ with that!” Slick snapped, closing Karkat’s fingers around the handle of the gun. “Here, hold onto it- _tightly_.”

“Why are you giving me a gun?!” Karkat demanded. “I don’t know how to use this!”

“Ya dont’ _have_ to,” Slick replied. “You just have to make them _think_ you do.”

Karkat held the gun gingerly at arm’s length. “Like this?”

“Well, ya look like a pansy,” Slick said, “but it’s close enough.” He pushed Karkat away. “Now get goin’!”

Karkat flipped him the bird and darted off.

* * *

 

Two blocks away from the fight, Pickle Inspector huffed and puffed, his olive-green greatcoat flapping behind him as he ran.

“Jesus, PI, you really need to get in shape,” Sleuth commented from over his shoulder.

“Sh-shut… up…” PI panted back. “I wasn’t… _made_ … for this! And look at Ace!”

They both looked back to where Ace Dick was lumbering behind them, breathing heavily and resembling a fat bulldog.

“Fuck you,” he gasped. “ ‘M old..” 

Sleuth grinned. “Yeah, when you gonna start thinking about retirement, eh, pops?”

“Fuck off, ‘m not THAT old,” AD replied, glowering at Sleuth. “ ‘Ve got two kids to provide for.” 

 

A rushing roar filled the air, and the trio looked up to see dancing purple light reflect off of the nearby buildings. “Shit,” Sleuth said matter-of-factly. “That’s shadow magic, all right.”

“It came from over there!” PI called, pointing at a nearby alleyway. The three dashed into the alley and emerged onto Kimberly Avenue.

 

The scene before them was… chaotic, to say the least. Scattered here and there were green humanoids in equally green suits, either dead or groaning in pain. There were at least three duplicates of each individual in varying states of injury. A thin, lanky leprechaun in a ragged coat and a green top hat was hunched over a young troll, fiddling with something on their neck. A tiny Dersite stood over them with a gun pointed at the leprechaun’s head.

 

Two other young trolls and a pair of leprechauns stood nearby. The smaller troll had a gun clutched clumsily in his hand and was pointing it at the leprechauns, who were standing against the building. The other troll had her hands duct-taped behind her, as well as a maroon crowbar attached to her wrists, for some reason. The troll with the gun was using his other hand to wrench futilely at the tape.

 

Yet another young troll was slung over a massive Dersite’s shoulders like a sack of potatoes, legs swinging sadly. The Dersite was painstakingly gathering up the pieces of what looked like a destroyed wheelchair.

Farther away, a tall, thin Dersite in a good suit practically waded through a sea of thick-set, almost identical green corpses. In front of them, a scruffy-looking Dersite was being pinned down by another, similarly-built leprechaun.

Sleuth pushed back his hat and let out a low whistle. “Ace, what’s that thing your kids say nowadays?” he asked. “Great… uh… G-great…”

“Great googly moogly,” PI supplied helpfully.

“Thanks,” Sleuth continued. “Great googly moogly.” He paused.

“It’s all gone to shit.”

* * *

 

Slick growled and snapped at Crowbar. The leprechaun pushed harder on the horse hitcher across his neck, and he gagged, feeling his carapace creak. 

Crowbar panted, running his tongue over his thin lips. “Just stay down, ya bastard,” he said, giving one final push for good measure. Slick spat at him.

Crowbar punched him in the face. His head snapped to the side, and he tasted blood.

“I _said_ -” Crowbar growled, punctuating every word with a savage shove, “stay- the- _fuck_ \- down!”

Slick winced and let out an involuntary groan as he felt one of the interlocking plates on his neck crack. 

 

Crowbar pushed his hat back, breathing hard. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna kill ya,” he said, “not yet. The boss is gonna want a _word_ with you- with _all_ of you.”

If Slick could have swallowed, he would. The enigmatic ‘boss’, or even ‘bosses’, of the Felt, had become something of a horror story in the city, even outside the underworld. No one had ever seen them, but it was said that when someone had done something to really get in the Felt’s bad books, they would be taken to their ‘boss’, who never left the manor. Nobody knew what happened to them in there, but a few weeks later, the bodies would turn up.

Usually covered in radiation burns.

 

Meanwhile, Karkat tore frustratedly at Aradia’s bonds. “Fucking- hell- piece- of- shit- TAPE!” he yelled.

Against the building, Fin raised his hand. “Uh, can we go?”

“No!” Karkat snapped, pointing the gun at him and Trace again.

Aradia hung her head and groaned. “Oh for god’s _sake!_ Boxcars, _YOU_ do it!”

“I can’t do that!” Boxcars protested. “My hands’re too big!”

Aradia stomped her feet angrily. “Just get this _stupid_ crowbar off meeee,” she complained.

Giving up completely, Karkat bent down and began gnawing at the duct tape.

“ _EEeeeuuw,_ ” Fin and Trace chorused, drawing back.

“ _GROSS!!_ ” Aradia shrieked, pulling away from Karkat. “Don’t get your _spit_ on me!!”

Karkat stood up, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “Well, what the fuck else do you want me to do?!” He demanded, throwing his arms out wide.

A pendant on a leather cord fell out of his collar and swung there, the silver Cancer symbol gleaming in the light.

 

“Just use your SICKLES!” Aradia shouted. “Oh my GOD!!”

Karkat looked down at the pendant. “Oh,” he said stupidly.

He reached towards the pendant and tugged. There was a flash of light and a frenzy of static, and then he was holding a gleaming sickle with a brown leather grip.

Aradia proffered her hands again, and Karkat crouched down and started to painstakingly slice away the tape.

 

Meanwhile, Deuce pointed a revolver at Die’s head.  Die was crouched over Sollux, still facedown and groaning.

“You get those pins outta my son right now, Die,” the tiny carapacian ordered, unusually in charge. “An’ don’t even _think_ about pulling any funny business- I may not be smart, but I know funny business when I see it!”

Die, sweating, pulled his pins out of Sollux’s skin in a seemingly random order,arranging them in a small pile. Their tips glistened with mustard-colored blood.

 

Karkat tugged his sickle through the duct tape, slicing through the last layer. “Okay, it’s cut,” he said, tugging the crowbar away from Aradia’s wrists. She winced as the tape peeled away, but gave a sigh of relief when the crowbar left contact with her skin. “ _Fi_ nally,” she sighed, yanking the last pieces of tape off of her wrists and massaging them.

Karkat grabbed her around the forearm. “C’mon, Dad said to get back to the van-”

“ _Aradia!_ ”

 

Droog was bolting towards them, suit spattered with blood. Aradia shoved Karkat aside and practically flew towards him, hair streaming. They collided with an audible _thunk_.

 

Droog extricated himself from Aradia’s embrace with some difficulty and held her at arm’s length. “Aradia, what the hell were you _thinking?!_ ” he demanded, gripping her shoulders. “You _know_ we don’t want you to go out after dark for this _very reason_! You could have been _killed!_ ”

 

She bit her lip, the color rising in her cheekbones. “I’m _sorry_ ,” she said futilely. “We thought we were doing the right thing, and-” her voice cracked. “Daddy, I’m so sorry- we never _meant_ for any of this to happen!”

 

Droog hesitated, then stroked her cheek briefly. “Thank god you’re safe, at least,” he said tiredly. “Where are your siblings?”

“I’m right here,” Karkat snapped, crossing his arms. “Yeah, hate to cut this beautiful family bonding moment short, but we _are_ still in the middle of an _active firefight_ here, okay?”

Droog stepped back from Aradia quickly and brushed down his jacket. “Don’t think you two are off the hook,” he warned. “We’ll talk about this when we get home, but for now-” he walked up to Karkat and snatched the pistol out of his hands. “ _Give_ me that, you look like an idiot.”

“Hey!” Karkat protested.

Ignoring him, Droog gave the pistol a cursory examination. “We need to get you two somewhere safe- where are Sollux and Tavros?”  
“They’re with Uncle Boxcars and Deuce,” Aradia replied, gesturing towards the aforementioned family members. Droog nodded, holding the pistol at the ready. “Follow me,” he ordered, darting across the street. Karkat and Aradia hurried after him.

 

When they got there, Sollux was sitting upright, rubbing the back of his head and wincing. Deuce was fussing over him like a distressed hen, and Boxcars and Tavros were looking sadly at the pile of scrap metal that used to be a wheelchair. Die was curled up on the ground in a fetal position, immobilized by a Stretch Armstrong doll.

 

“Sollux!” Aradia cried, catapulting herself at him and wrapping her arms around his neck. He winced. “Ack! AA- _pleathe_ \- I’m gonna puke-”

Karkat stepped around the pair and approached Boxcars and Tavros. “You okay?” he asked, laying a hand on Tavros’s shoulder. Tavros looked up and nodded. “Yeah,” he said sadly. “Except, now, I, uh can’t really go anywhere…”

Aradia helped Sollux to his feet, where he wobbled unsteadily.

“Where’s Slick?” Droog asked. Boxcars looked up from the scrap pile. “Wasn’t he with you?”

Droog made a helpless gesture. “I haven’t seen him since we were fighting Eggs and Biscuits!”

“I just saw him!” Karkat interrupted. “He was fighting that Crowbar guy!”

“Ah, _hell_ ,” Droog cursed, looking around. “Okay, Boxcars, Deuce- with me. You kids- get to the van.”

“But what about Tav?” Boxcars protested.

“I got ‘im,” Aradia said, pulling Tavros off of Boxcars’ shoulder and tucking him under her arm like a parcel. Tavros yelped. “ _Aah!_ Aradia, you gotta _warn_ me before you do stuff like that!”

“Sorry, Tav,” she apologized, patting him awkwardly on the head. 

 

“Right,” Droog said. “Can you make it to the van on your own?”

Sollux furrowed his brows, concentrating. Red-and-blue sparks crackled around his horns and from his eyes, danced in the air for a moment, then fizzled out. “Agh!” he growled. “ _Fuuuck_ \- I thtill can’t _do_ anything! This _thuuuuucks…._ ”

Karkat reached towards his necklace again, which was now only half a Cancer sign, and pulled. The remaining half snapped off of the cord and lengthened into another sickle, the twin of the one already in his hand. “I’ll handle it,” he growled, brandishing his sickles in a dramatic pose.

Droog frowned. “Karkat, I’m not denying you’re good with those things, but aren’t they a bit… _impractical_ for a firefight?”

Karkat scowled, ears drooping. “Aw, c’mon-” 

“ _Dad,_ ” Aradia interrupted. “Relax. I got this.” She raised a hand, which began to glow a misty white, and smiled. The same white light seemed to shine out of her eyes and mouth, giving her an eerie, ethereal cast. “Sollux isn’t the _only_ psychic around here, remember?”

Droog seemed indecisive, but Boxcars got up and placed a hand on his shoulder. His knees buckled slightly. “Ugh- _Hearts…_ ”

“Relax, Droog,” Boxcars said bracingly. “They can handle it. Right?”

He gave the group a significant look, cocking a brow ridge.

Tavros nodded hurriedly. “Yeah, yeah! Totally!”

The other three made varying noises of assent, Karkat making a point of ‘casually’ showing off his sickles.

 

Deuce tugged on Droog’s pant leg. “C’mon, D! Let’s go! We gotta find Slick!”

Droog sighed. “Alright, alright…”

He took one last look at the kids. “Be _careful_ ,” he said sternly. Then he readied his gun, turned, and bolted off into the darkness.

Deuce hurried up and hugged Sollux around the leg. “Keep an eye out, Sol,” he ordered, unusually firm. “We’ll be right back!”

Then he relinquished Sollux’s leg and scurried after Droog.

Boxcars took a few steps after the others, then stopped and looked back over his shoulder.

Tavros smiled and gave him a thumbs up, and he returned the gesture.

Then he lumbered off, fading away into the shadows.

 

Sollux wobbled slightly, and Karkat jumped to support him. “Man, are we getting in the stupid van or not?!” he demanded. “Or are we gonna stand here until another one of those green assholes jumps out of the shadows and murders us all?”

Aradia rolled her eyes and hurried in the opposite direction, Tavros’s legs swinging in time with her steps.

“Hey-” Sollux spluttered. “Hey, AA, wait up!”

He and Karkat hobbled after her.

* * *

 

Slick was beginning to black out. His vision was going blurry, there was a pounding in his skull and he struggled for breath. Crowbar grinned down at him with a kind of vindictive pleasure, going fuzzy at the edges. “ _That’s_ it,” he said, seemingly from far away. “That’s it, you bastard, go to sleep…”

Slick struggled weakly, but it was no use. His skull felt like it was about to split open. He groaned, and his eyelid started to flutter shut.

 

A pair of white hands grabbed Crowbar from behind, yanking him off of Slick. The pressure on his throat vanished, and he coughed furiously, eye streaming and throat burning.

 

Problem Sleuth grappled with Crowbar, attempting to subdue the leprechaun. “You’re under arrest!” the Prospitian panted. “You have the right to remain– stay _still_ , ya slippery fuck!”

Crowbar grunted and drove his elbow into Sleuth’s neck. He wheezed, but didn’t let go. Instead, he kicked Crowbar in the back of the knee. Crowbar’s leg buckled and collapsed. He grunted in pain and clawed at Sleuth’s face, but his blunt nails slid uselessly across the carapacian’s face.

Slick pulled himself up, his breath making a nasty whistling sound in his throat, and pulled a card out of his jacket. It twisted into a long, slim knife.

He tackled Crowbar, and by extension Sleuth, to the ground, leaning all his weight on them.

“Ack!” Sleuth yelped muffledly from underneath Crowbar. “Hey-”

Crowbar screamed as the blade slid into his side, and blood gushed from the wound, splattering onto Slick’s and Sleuth’s jackets.

Slick stood up, wiping the blade on his pants leg, and grinned with satisfaction.

“Oh, _shit,_ ” Sleuth swore, rolling Crowbar off of him. The leprechaun grunted and clutched his side, blood staining his shirt and jacket and dripping off of his hand. 

 

“You _fucker!_ ” Sleuth yelled, pointing at Slick. “I was in the process of an arrest!”

Slick snorted and aimed a kick at Crowbar. “What, this piece a’ shit? He ain’t even worth arresting.”

Sleuth snorted. “And _you’re_ the catch a’ the day, huh?” He crouched over Crowbar and began applying pressure to the wound. Crowbar pushed his hand away, struggling into a sitting position. “Get _offa_ me..” he grunted.

 

“I’m _trying_ to _HELP!_ ” Sleuth said incredulously. “Listen, I- I don’t wanna be _insensitive_ here, but I have _no_ idea how your species- how you _work_ , and I DON’T want a suspect dyin’ on me!”

Crowbar ignored him, pulling his hand away from the wound and wincing slightly. As the carapacians watched, the gash in the green skin began closing, as if it by invisible sutures.

Sleuth tried hard not to stare. “Uh.. Is- is that normal?”

 

While Crowbar and Sleuth were distracted, Slick hurried away quietly. He got about ten feet before Sleuth jogged up alongside him. “An’ where the hell do you think _you’re_ going?!” he demanded. “I ain’t done with you yet!”

Slick flipped him off and sped up, panting. Sleuth followed close behind, pulling a pair of handcuffs out of his jacket pocket. “Fine, I guess we’ll have to do this the _hard_ way!”

He grabbed for Slick’s metal hand.

 

Slick whirled around, grabbed him by the lapels and slammed him hard against a nearby lamppost.

 

“Listen,” the Dersite growled. “I’ve got half a mind to slit yer damn throat and leave you here for yer _friends_ to drag home, but tonight I ain’t got any time to waste on your _bullshit_. So _stay out of my way_ if you know what’s good for you.”

Sleuth blinked. “Um-”

 

“SLICK!”

Slick looked up. Three other Dersites in suits were approaching. The one in the lead waved furiously.

“Will you stop SCREWING AROUND and get OVER HERE!” he yelled. “It’s TIME to GO!”

Slick cursed and released Sleuth’s lapels. Sleuth fell heavily onto the ground.

“Next time you interfere with Crew business-” Slick yanked his thumb across his neck. “Keep that in mind, _detective_.”

With that, he turned and bolted away.

Sleuth got to his feet, adjusting his jacket. “Rude,” he snorted, setting off after them. 

* * *

 

The kids were literally twenty feet from the van when Ace Dick and Pickle Inspector caught them.

“Hey, _easy_ there,” AD said, jumping to block their path. “It’s okay- we ain’t gonna hurt ya.”

Karkat hissed and whipped around, but PI was already behind them. He gave a little wave. 

AD approached them, arms spread in a friendly gesture. “We’re here to help,” he said gently. “Why don’tcha come with us, and we’ll get you somewhere safe.”

PI came up from behind and placed what was supposed to be a comforting hand on Karkat’s shoulder. Mostly it just felt uncomfortable.

“There, there,” he said. “We’ll protect you.”

“Oh, god,” Sollux groaned, burying his face in his hands. 

 

It seemed like they were about to get hauled off to Social Services when Hearts Boxcars burst in out of nowhere and punched AD in the face.

He flew a good six feet, hit a lamppost, and collapsed, groaning.

 

“Oh my!” PI yelped, jumping back.

“Dad!” Tavros cried ecstatically. Boxcars bent down and pulled him out of Aradia’s grip.

“Are you kids okay?!” he demanded, looking around at all of them. Tavros nodded. “Yeah, we’re fine,” he said breathlessly.

 

AD struggled upright, rubbing his face. “Owwww, _fuck_ ,” he growled. “Whadda’ _hell_ …”

Slick, Droog and Deuce hurried up and attached themselves to their various charges.

PI hurried over to AD and helped him up. “ _Ace_ ,” he hissed. “We might have a… _situation…_ ”

“No kiddin’,” AD said, straightening up and glowering at the group in front of him.

Somebody cleared their throat, and they looked around.

Problem Sleuth stood behind them, hands in his pockets.

“Um,” he said. “Do I even _want_ to ask what’s goin’ on here?”

 

“It, uh,” AD said, rubbing his nasal ridge, “looks like we found the kids.”

“I guess,” Sleuth agreed, pushing his hat back.

Slick bared his teeth and growled. “I thought I told you to _stay outta my way,_ ” he snarled.

Sleuth shrugged. “I was in the neighborhood,” he replied sarcastically. “Now what in the _hell_ are you doin’ with these kids?”

 

“None of your fucking business,” Karkat snapped, and Slick cuffed him on the back of the head. “ _Shut up_ ,” he ordered quietly.

 

Sleuth’s eyes traveled from Slick to Karkat- to the spade on Karkat’s sweatshirt- to the appliqué diamond on Aradia’s blouse. Realization dawned on his face. “No _way_ ,” he breathed.

 

“Ah, _fuck_ ,” Slick cursed.

“What?” AD asked, looking from Sleuth to Slick.

“No _way_ ,” Sleuth said again. “No fuckin’ WAY!”

Then he covered his face with his hat and started choking with laughter.

 

“Sleuth, what on earth-” PI began, then glanced at the Crew. His eyes widened. “Oh my _god_ ,” he said incredulously.

Sleuth bent over laughing, clutching his stomach.

“ _WHAT?_!” AD demanded, planting his fists on his hips. “Am I missin’ somethin’ here?!”

 

Sleuth straightened up, wiping his eyes. “Who let _you_ ,” he gasped, pointing at the Crew, “adopt _KIDS?!_ ”

AD choked. “ _WHAT?!_ ” he spluttered, eyes bulging. “But– They– _**WHAT?!**_ ”

“Welp,” Boxcars said flatly, tucking Tavros under his arm. “That’s fifteen years a’ secrecy, right down the flusher.”

“No, but _really!_ ” Sleuth cackled. “How’d _that_ go- just walk into the neighborhood brooding center and go _‘Scuse me, we’re here to steal some babies-_ ”

A purple jet of flame missed his face by inches, and he yelped and jumped back.

Droog tapped the ash off of his mysteriously acquired cigarette. “Next time I won’t miss,” he warned. “Now _get out of the way_ if you want to keep your shell.” 

 

Sleuth raised a brow ridge. “Oh, so _that’s_ how you wanna play, huh?” He raised his hands threateningly, and they began to crackle with neon-green fire. He grinned. “A good ol’ light-on-shadow duel, just like the old days, huh?”

Slick and Droog pushed their charges behind them. Boxcars assumed a protective stance, angling Tavros away from Sleuth as much as he could, and Deuce jumped in front of Sollux, arms spread and chest puffed out. “Don’t worry, Sollux!” he squeaked determinedly. “I’ll protect ya!”

Sollux rubbed his temples. “You’re uh, you’re _really_ inthtilling confidence in me, Pops,” he sighed.

 

The green glow around Sleuth’s hands brightened and grew until it was almost blinding-

Then a very loud default ringtone went off.

Everybody looked at each other, blinking.

 

“Ah, crap,” Sleuth muttered, lowering his hands. “I gotta take this.” The green glow dissipated, and he retrieved his phone from his pocket and answered it. “Yeah?” he asked.

Presumably he had forgotten to take it off speakerphone, because the young feminine voice on the other end was loud enough for everyone to hear it easily. “Where the _hell_ ARE you?!” it demanded. “I thought we agreed you wouldn’t go all night on a case without notifying me or Mom!”

 

Sleuth groaned and slapped his hand against his forehead. “Oh god, sweetheart, I forgot! I’m so sorry-”

“Don’t ‘sweetheart’ ME, Dad!” the voice continued angrily. “Twelve hours away from home and not a _single_ call or text! She’s been worried sick, you _know_ how anxious she gets-”

“Honey-” Sleuth protested weakly. “Kannie, please, this isn’t the best time-”

The voice escalated in pitch. “AND WHEN _IS_ A GOOD TIME?!” it demanded, and Sleuth winced, holding the phone away from his head. “DICK CALLS EQUIUS EVERY HOUR, INSPECTOR MAKES AN _EFFORT_ , AT LEAST, EVEN THOUGH HE’S FORGETFUL-”

 

Sleuth grimaced at AD and PI, who shrugged. _Your fault_ , AD mouthed, and Sleuth flipped him off.

“SHE’S AFRAID YOU’RE DEAD OR WORSE!” the voice continued. “I HAD TO STOP HER FROM GRABBING HER LIPSTICK AND SCOURING THE CITY FOR YOU-”

 

Several car doors slammed. “Ah,” PI said vaguely. “Er… Sleuth?”

“ _WHAT?!_ ” Sleuth demanded.

“They’re getting away,” PI replied, pointing at the van.

The engine revved, and the van barreled directly towards Sleuth. He yelped and managed to roll out of the way, dropping his phone in the process. The van drove over it, and it cracked, made a strange staticky sound, and began to emit a loud, constant beep.

 

“Ah, _shit,_ ” Sleuth swore, jumping to his feet and launching a barrage of green fireballs at the van. Purple arcane circles shielded the van from his assault, and the fireballs fizzled out.

The van bounced away, turning a corner and entering the infamous mazelike alleyways of Midnight City. Just before it vanished from sight, Sleuth glimpsed Karkat flipping him off from the rear window.

“Well, fuck,” he said, placing his hands on his hips. “That sure was a thing that happened.”

 

PI wrung his hands. “They have ch- _children?!_ ” he demanded incredulously. “What on earth… and _why?_ ”

“Who fuckin’ knows,” AD grunted, wiping his face on his sleeve. “But one thing’s fer sure, those bastards don’t do _anything_ unless they get somethin’ out of it.”

“What are we gonna tell the Chief?” PI quavered, beginning to pace. “This.. this is the _fifth_ time in _two_ months they’ve gotten away!”

 

Sleuth shrugged. “Whatever,” he replied. “We’ll get ‘em next time.” He made a fist and drove it into his other hand in a determined gesture.

“That’s what you said _last_ time,” PI objected.

“An’ the time before that,” AD added.

“And the time before _that_ ,” PI continued.

“An’ the time before-” AD began, but Sleuth cut him off. “Alright, alright, I _get_ it! God!”

 

AD grunted and removed his hat. “Welp,” he said. “I’m goin’ home- that was enough excitement for one day.” He paused and scratched his neck. “Besides, I’m sure Junior made Equius stay up an’ watch Batman all night.” He shook his head. “Kid’s stronger ‘n an ox, and Junior _still_ manages to wrap him around his lil’ claw.”

He turned and waddled away.

PI put his hand on Sleuth’s shoulder. “Go home, Sleuth,” he said gently. “Go apologize to your girls.”

With that, he turned and followed AD away.

 

Sleuth pushed the brim of his hat back and watched the leprechaun corpses vanishing in soft flashes of light as the laws of the universe caught up with them. Any who were still alive had long since slipped into the shadows, leaving nothing but trails of blood behind them.

 

“Problem Sleuth,” he said out loud to himself, “you’re losing your edge.”

The constant screech of the broken phone grated at his nerves. He pointed his right hand like a finger gun and aimed it at the phone.

A green fireball exploded from his fingertips and melted the already broken phone into slag, silencing it for good. He blew on the tips of his fingers and grinned to himself.

And with that, he walked into the shadows, leaving nothing but trails of blood, tire marks and a puddle of crackling metal behind.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some of those scene transitions were probably a little more punchy when they were just individual tumblr posts but whatever


	4. Life In The City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV/situation switches that make no sense. Angst. Blossoming romance. A runaway princess. Illegal immigrants. More gang fights. Blatant foreshadowing. The introduction of a main villain. Furries. Someone makes out with a TV. Something blows up. There are birds involved.

The hideout was deathly quiet, the kind of quiet you only get when everyone’s waiting for everyone else to broach the topic first.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Slick spoke.

“What the _hell_ ,” he said, his voice low and rough, “were you _THINKING?!_ ”

Karkat’s eyes prickled with tears in spite of himself, and he looked down at his fists clenched in his lap.

 

Droog, sitting in the corner and wreathed by cigarette smoke, was as still as a statue. His eyes traveled around the room as if the tension in the air was visible.

Slick sat straddled across a backwards chair. His metal fingers tapped an aggressive rhythm on the backrest.

“I won’t ask again,” he said. “I want an explanation for this- _now._ ”

More silence. Sollux winced as Deuce, standing on a stepstool behind the couch, sponged the blood off the back of his neck. Aradia sat as still as her father, hair hanging in a shining curtain around her face, hands folded neatly in her lap. Tavros scrubbed his face with his hands, dry tear tracks running down his cheeks like amber slug trails.

“No?” Slick asked. “Okay, then I’ll answer for you.” He stood up. “You absolute _idiots_ snuck out past curfew to do some _damn_ idiotic _kid_ thing and practically _gift-wrapped_ yourselves for our WORST ENEMIES!”

“It’s NOT IDIOTIC!” Karkat burst out, jumping out of his seat.

 

“Then _EXPLAIN_ it to me!” Slick roared, throwing his hands up in frustration. “What- _WHAT_ could be _SO FUCKIN’ IMPORTANT_ that you risk GETTING THIS _ENTIRE FAMILY **KILLED?!**_ ”

“ _ **JUSTICE!**_ ” Karkat screamed, going red in the face. Then he clenched his fists by his sides, glowering up at Slick through his bangs.

 

Slick’s face crinkled, and he seemed to be struggling for words for a few moments. “ _What_ ,” he said.

Aradia stood up. “What he _means_ ,” she said hurriedly, “is that Karkat was trying to do something good, and we just wanted to help him.”

 

“Aww, that’s nice!” Deuce said, patting Sollux between the horns. “Good for-”

“ _Deuce,_ ” Droog said warningly. “Not now.”

He stood up, tapping the ash off the end of his cigarette. “Define ‘something good’,” he said calmly.

Sollux looked up. “Gee, I dunno, does ‘thtanding up to a centuries-old thythtem of murder and injuthtice’- _ow!_ Dad!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Deuce apologized. “I just don’t want ya to get infected- I wouldn’t trust Die to keep ‘is pins clean in a million years…” 

Slick rubbed his face. “You were going,” he said softly, “up against the _Empire?_ ”

“YES!” Karkat screamed. “ _YES_ , okay, I wanted to- to-”

Frustrated, he ran his hands through his hair. “ _Ugh_ , I don’t _know!_ ”

 

“Yeah, _clearly_ you didn’t!” Slick snorted. “You just thought, ‘hey, let’s- let’s _traipse_ off in the middle a’ the _night_ to piss off the _witch_ who loves to MURDER _IDIOTS **LIKE US!**_ ’”

Tavros shuddered and dug his claws into his pants fabric.

Aradia sat back down and stroked Tavros’s back, then turned her head and glowered at Slick. “We were _going_ to the mall,” she said, “to tear down her flag. That’s all. Just a flag.”

 

Slick gave a sardonic laugh. “ _Just_ a flag?” he said. “Nothing- nothing is _just_ anything to her. You don’t know what she’s-”

“Because you won’t _TELL US!_ ” Karkat interrupted. “All our goddamn lives, you’ve been warning us to look out for the Batterwitch in our closets, without telling us _WHY!_ ”

 

Boxcars walked into the living room, carrying a somewhat dented wheelchair. “I, uh… heard all the yellin’,” he said.

He seemed to be about to say something else, but changed his mind and set the wheelchair down.

“It’s gettin’ late,” he said. “Maybe we should get to bed, it’s been a long night-”

“ _No_ ,” Droog and Slick said in unison.

 

Sollux waved away Deuce, still hovering around him with bandages and antiseptic. “No, _fuck_ this,” he said, getting up. “I’m going to sleep.”

“Me too,” Aradia said. “We’ve got school tomorrow. C’mon, guys.”

She stood up and moved towards the hall.

 

Quick as lightning, Droog’s hand snaked out and wrapped around her wrist. “ _No,_ ” he said. “We’re not done here.”

Aradia tensed, standing straight as a ramrod.

 

“Sit back down,” Droog ordered. Aradia yanked her hand out of his grip and stalked back to the couch.

“Are you _fucking_ serious?” Karkat demanded. “ _YOU_ guys were the ones who insisted we do well in school to stay off the radar and all that dumb shit! I have a _chemistry_ test tomorrow that I’m gonna BOMB now!”

“Well, maybe you shoulda _thought_ of that before you almost got yourselves KILLED!” Slick shouted, erupting out of his chair.

 

There was a tense silence. Slick sighed and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’re not goin’ to school,” he said.

“ _WHAT?!_ ” Aradia and Karkat demanded.

“Aw, come _on_ -” Sollux protested. “The _fuck,_ dude!

“Not to school,” Slick said, over their continued arguments, “and not anywhere else- until we can fix this mess _you_ got us into.”

“Are you fucking-” Karkat spluttered. “This is _insane!_ This is fucking _BARBARIC!_ ”

“You _cannot_ keep us _locked up_ in here!” Aradia yelled, jumping up.

“We can,” Droog said, unfolding from his chair, “and we _will_.”

“No, we _can’t,_ ” Boxcars objected. “They ain’t our _property!_ They’re just _kids!_ ”

 

“This is to _protect_ them,” Droog said.

“No, it’s really, _really_ NOT!” Aradia shouted, swinging her arms out wide. “This is punishment, this- this is DISCIPLINE!”

Droog slammed his fist into the wall. “And so _what_ if it is?!” he demanded. “You are _my_ daughter, Aradia, and I can discipline you as I see-”

“Oh, cut the _BULLSHIT_ ALREADY!” Aradia screamed, face flushing. “Slick told me _everything-_ you didn’t even WANT me! You only took me because of my powers!”

 

Droog closed his eyes, and his face twitched. “That’s not-” he began.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I hit a NERVE?!” Aradia laughed hysterically. “I think this was the first time in my _life_ I’ve actually GOTTEN to you!”

 

“Aradia, _please-_ ” Droog said.

“ _SHUT UP!_ ” She screamed. Her hair began whipping in an invisible wind.

Karkat’s ears flattened against his skull, and the bases of his horns tingled.

The room filled with whispers- dry, fragile voices just below the range of hearing.

Aradia stood in the center of an invisible tornado. Her fists clenched, and she trembled almost imperceptibly.

 

“I _trusted_ you-” she said, “I love you, Dad. Do you know what it _felt_ like to learn that the man who _raised_ you only took you in because he saw you as- as a _tool?_ A _WEAPON?!_ ”

 

Droog looked at Slick. “You _told_ her?” he demanded. “She _had_ to know,” Slick replied.

Droog gave a rattling hiss and clenched his teeth. “And _Karkat_ didn’t?!” he demanded. “You had _no_ right-”

“What?!” Karkat asked, looking wildly from Slick to Aradia to Droog. “Know what- tell me _what?!_ ”

 

Aradia growled, and the wind around her grew in intensity. The voices groaned and creaked, begging for something- anything- like a chill at the base of the skull.

The walls groaned and began to buckle.

“It’s _time,_ ” Droog insisted. “They need to _know- ALL_ of them.”

“They’re. Not. _Ready,_ ” Slick snapped back.

“It’s not about them, it was _never_ about them,” Droog hissed. “This all happened because of _your_ insecurities-”

 

“I’m… with Droog on this one, Slick,” Deuce said nervously. “Besides, it’s- it’s been _years,_ right? It probably doesn’t even matter to her any-”

“It DOES!” Slick screamed. “You don’t _KNOW_ what she’s capable of- you didn’t see what she _DID_ to him!”

 

Sollux got up off the chair and walked towards Aradia. “Okay, that’th enough,” he said, moving through the whipping wind like it was nothing.

The wind condensed into a stream of white mist, swirling around him and tugging at his hair and clothes with handlike wisps.

In answer, a flurry of sparks fizzled up around him, surrounding him like a second skin. The mist recoiled and dissipated.

 

“C’mon, AA, c’mon,” he said softly, putting his hands on her shoulders. She pinned her ears back and hissed, but Sollux just wrinkled his nose. “Ooh, _thcary_ ,” he said sarcastically. “I was there when you got into the liquor cabinet and barfed all over the hideout, remember?”

 

He put one hand on her back, and she slumped, but the whispering voices grew louder as the wind subsided.

_“Murderer-” “I was here for days and days and days and-”  “I wanna go home, please, Ma, I’m sorry I’m-”_

“Thtop that,” Sollux ordered flatly. He extended a hand and patted Aradia on the cheek. “Shoosh.”

 

She snapped at his hand, snarling. He rolled his eyes and wrapped one arm around her shoulder, continuing to pat her face with the other. “ _Shooosh,_ ” he said again, drawing out the word so it sounded more like a breathy sigh. “Calm down, for fuck’s sake, and give ‘em a chance to exthplain.”

Saying this, he grimaced significantly at Slick and Droog.

 

Droog bit the inside of his cheek and turned to Slick, cocking a brow ridge. Slick let out a quiet rattle and turned to face the kids.

“You weren’t born in a legal grub center,” he said flatly.

 

There was a pause. “That’s it?” Tavros asked.

Boxcars grunted. “ ‘S not that simple,” he said. “See, the Empress-”

“ _Shut up,_ ” Slick hissed sharply. Boxcars scowled. “Fer fuck’s- you’re telling ‘em _anyway_ , right?!”

“I’m not telling them _everything,_ ” Slick replied.

“Aw, come _on!_ ” Karkat protested, while Tavros let out a loud groan. “God _damn_ , what does it take for you to _respect-_ ”

 

“Quiet,” Slick ordered. “We agreed, when we… took you in, that we wouldn’t tell you until you were adults.” He looked over his shoulder at Droog, who shrugged.

Lowering his voice, he continued. “Wanted you to have a childhood first- ‘s much of a childhood as we could _give_ ya in this hellhole, anyway.”

 

The kids looked around at each other, blinking. The room had grown quiet again, and a sense of momentousness hung in the air like Aradia’s wind had before.

“There were some… people,” Slick said. “Criminals, freedom fighters, vigilantes- whatever you wanna call ‘em. They stood up to the Empire, and we-” he looked around the room- “the Crew, helped ‘em.”

 

Karkat snorted, and Slick shot him a look. “What?” he asked.

Karkat shrugged. “You don’t exactly seem like the _freedom fighting_ type, is all.”

“We’re _not_ ,” Slick said. “There were… We had our reasons, okay?!”

Boxcars held his fist up to his mouth and coughed something that sounded like _‘crush’_.

Slick whirled and pointed accusingly at him. “Hey, you wanna fuckin’ start something, asshole?!”

Boxcars put his hands up. “What, Boss? I didn’t say nothin’!”

Slick turned his back on Boxcars and continued talking. “One of their projects was making a new brooding cavern.”

“Why?” Aradia asked, brushing Sollux’s hands off of her shoulders and stepping forward. “What do the brooding caverns have to do with the Empire?” 

 

“Uh, _everything_ ,” Deuce said, popping up next to her, eyes wide. “The brooding caverns are basically where the Empire _starts_. Did you know that they bathe eggs in nanomachine fluids to-”

“No they don’t, shut up,” Slick interrupted. “But you _are_ right about the caverns being where the Empire starts, in a manner a’ speaking.”

 

Droog shifted. “A fact that the Breeding Committee neglects to broadcast is that trolls are ridiculously inbred,” he said. “Only individuals with so-called ‘desirable’ traits are allowed to put their DNA back into the gene pool. Of course, with all the mutations and birth defects that come with inbreeding, there are fewer and fewer ‘desirable’ individuals left.”

“It goes farther n’ that,” Slick grunted. “They’re killin’ wrigglers- too many of the same blood color, or unusually powerful psionics, or…”

His eye drifted to Karkat.

“Oh my god,” Tavros said quietly. “That’s horrible.”

“It gets worse, believe me,” Slick said grimly. “But anyway. These… _people_ were churnin’ out batch after batch a’ new wrigglers, _healthy_ ones, an’ passin’ em off to lusii who normally wouldn’t have gotten a charge, or supportive adults- anyone they could find. Must’ve been three years into it when…”

He paused, closed his eye, and inhaled.

“ _She_ came,” he said, in an ice-cold voice. “Her an’ her- her _cultists,_ her hired _thugs._ ”

He stopped and looked down, clenching his jaw.

Droog looked over at him and exhaled. “It was a massacre,” he continued. “I wasn’t there when it happened, but I saw what was left afterwards.” The crease between his brow ridges deepened. “There… wasn’t actually much to see, but it was more than enough.”

 

“They killed all the babies,” Deuce said in a soft voice. “All of ‘em.”

“Well, not _all_ of ‘em,” Boxcars said, placing a hand on Tavros’s shoulder.

Slick opened his eye. “We- _I_ \- found ya in an old trunk, a few days after it happened,” he said. “Somebody musta got wind that she was coming and managed to stash you away.”

 

There was a long, heavy silence.

“So, wait,” Karkat said. “Why didn’t- why didn’t you just… give us away? Pass us off to some orphanage or grub center or something?”

Slick rubbed his face. “We couldn’t give _you_ to any damn grub center,” he grumbled. “You’d’ve gotten squashed like a bug the moment they set eyes on ya. At that point, it was take you in or leave you to die.”

“We took the rest of ya ‘cause four guys an’ four kids seemed less suspicious than four guys an’ one kid,” Boxcars said. “ ‘Sides- we owed ‘em- those freedom fighters- a lot. So we applied as your co-guardians, an’ here we are.”

 

There was another pause.

 

“…That’s it?” Karkat asked flatly.

Slick frowned. “Whaddaya- whaddaya _mean_ ‘that’s it’?”

“That’s _everything?_ ” Karkat demanded, getting up and beginning to pace. “That’s- _that’s_ the reason that _YOU-_ ” he gestured to Slick, then to the other adults- “gave up- gave up _SIXTEEN YEARS_ of your _FUCKING LIVES?!_ Because of some _obligation_ to a bunch of _dead criminals?!_ ”

 

“In case ya haven’t noticed, kid,” Boxcars spoke up, “we _are_ criminals.”

“Guess there _itth_ honor among thieveth,” Sollux muttered under his breath, and Aradia smacked him on the arm. “ _OW!_ AA-”

“What, are you sayin’ we _shouldn’t_ ‘ave?!” Slick demanded. “We shoulda just left ya to get tossed in a grinder an’ squished into contraband _grubloaf?!_ ”

“NO!” Karkat shouted back. “I just- _ugh._ ”

He sat back down and put his hands over his face. “All my fuckin’ life,” he said, “I just kinda- _assumed_ \- you guys were like, _forced_ to take us or some… shit…”

Slick’s eye darted sideways to Droog, who looked away pointedly. 

 

“And now,” Karkat continued, “with that fucking… fucking _bombshell_ you just dropped on us…”

He sighed and put his hands on his lap, ears drooping.

“So,” he said suddenly, looking up. “You’re saying we’re descendants of these… “ he made quotes in the air with his claws… “ ‘ _Freedom fighters_ ’, right?”

Slick frowned. “Yeah?”

 

“So we’re like…their legacy?” Karkat continued, getting up. “All that’s left of them? Their work?”

“I _don’t_ like where this is goin’,” Boxcars said, but Karkat ignored him and started to pace again. “Then that means…”

“ _NO,_ ” Slick and Droog said in unison. Karkat looked up. “But I haven’t even _said_ anything yet!”

 

“Well, I know what you were _going_ to say,” Droog said flatly. “That it’s your _destiny_ to be a useless idiot and get yourself murdered by an ancient fish warmonger.”

“She’s not _that_ ancient,” Aradia objected. “She’s only been alive since the French Revolution.”

“Ooh, only since the French Revolution,” Slick mocked, raising his hands to mime surprise. “Kid, the current Royal Circles weren’t even _cloned_ then, an’ they live just as long as the fishtrolls.”

Aradia scowled. “All I’m _saying_ is that the Grand Highblood’s almost _twice_ as old as that, and _they’re_ not even a seadweller.”

 

“An’ the freaky clown _still_ worships the ground she walks on, what’s yer freaking point?” Slick snapped back. Droog got out of his chair, smacked him upside the head and shot Aradia a sharp glance. “Cut it out, both of you,” he ordered. “This is _not_ the damn time.”

When he looked away, Aradia pulled a face at him and crossed her arms.

 

“The point is, she’s older than us, she controls half the world, and she _hates_ any kind of rebels or insurgents- _especially_ warmblooded ones,” Droog continued. “We did not take you in so you could die in the same fight your forebears did.”

“Well, what the hell _did_ you take us in for?!” Karkat demanded.

“They gave us our lives,” Droog responded. “We couldn’t save theirs, so we saved yours. Satisfied?”

 

“Not really, no!” Karkat snapped back. “All _you’ve_ said is that _you_ want _us_ to do what _YOU_ say! How about what _WE_ want, huh?!”

“If what you WANT is to get _DEAD,_ we ain’t gonna LET ya DO that!” Slick yelled back.

“But I _WON’T_ get dead!’ Karkat shouted back. “Why won’t you _TRUST_ me?!”

 

“ _‘Cause you’re just a KID!_ ” Slick snapped. “You’re too _young,_ Karkat! You think I’m gonna– gonna let you _run around_ out _there_ doin’ whatever the _HELL_ you want?! It’s too _DANGEROUS!_ ”

“I’m _NOT_ a _KID!_ ” Karkat protested. “I can _handle_ myself, you’ve _SEEN_ I can handle myself!”

“There’s always gonna be _someone_ out there who’s _better_ than you!” Slick replied.

Karkat threw his arms up in the air. “That’s fucking _FLAWLESS_ logic there!” he shouted. “Then maybe _YOU_ shouldn’t do _ANYTHING_ ‘cause there’s someone out there better than _YOU!_ ”

“That’s a risk _I_ have to TAKE!” Slick shouted back. “ _I’m_ an _adult, I_ understand the risks-”

“ _I’M_ almost an adult!” Karkat screamed. “If I had a _LUSUS,_ I could’ve been _EMANCIPATED_ by now!”

“Well, ya _DON’T_ have a lusus, now _DO_ ya?!” Slick shot back. “So that argument’s kinda _POINTLESS!_ ”

Karkat snarled and ran his hands through his hair. “ _WHY_ are you so _INSISTENT_ on _KEEPING_ me here like this?!” he demanded.

“It’s _my FUCKIN’ JOB_ to _KEEP YOU SAFE!_ ” Slick said angrily. “ _I’M_ the adult here, _NOT_ you, dammit!”

“ _NOBODY FUCKING ASKED YOU TO DO THIS_!” Karkat screamed furiously. “ _YOUR FUCKING FREEDOM FIGHTER WAS **DEAD** WHEN YOU FOUND ME-_ ”

“Don’t you _dare,_ ” Slick growled, curling his lip. “Don’t you fucking _dare-_ ” 

 

Karkat gave a sardonic laugh. “What, you don’t want me to _shit-talk_ your dead _FLUSH-CRUSH?!_ ”

“Don’t you _**DARE!**_ ” Slick repeated furiously. “Don’t you _DARE-_ you don’t know _anything, ANYTHING_ about him–”

“BECAUSE YOU WON’T _TELL_ ME ANYTHING!” Karkat yelled back. “YOU TRY TO _PACIFY_ ME WITH THAT _PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR AN EXPLANATION_ AND THEN HAVE THE NERVE TO _INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE-”_

“ _I CAN’T **LOSE** YOU AGAIN, KASS!!_ ” Slick yelled.

There was a deafening silence.

“Uh-ohhh,” Deuce muttered.

 

Slick spluttered. “I- _fuck_ \- I mean- Karkat. I can’t… lose…you.”

“You’re a shit liar, Boss,” Boxcars said from the couch.

Slick ignored him. “Bed,” he ordered. “Now.”

 

“Hey, whoa, _whoa_ ,” Sollux protested, standing up. “Thlick, you can’t just drop that _bombshell_ on us and exth-ex _pect_ us to just-”

“I. _Said_. Bed,” Slick repeated, an edge of steel creeping into his voice. “ _NOW._ ”

“Whoa, okay, jethuth,” Sollux said, standing up and raising his hands defensively. “Look at me, I’m going to bed.”

He hurried down the hall, Deuce scurrying after him with a bottle of antiseptic and some plasters. “Sollux! Wait!” he cried. “I haven’t put on your band-aids yet!”

 

Boxcars put his hand on Tavros’s shoulder. “You ready to go to bed, big guy?” he asked, and Tavros nodded and made a noise of assent. Boxcars hefted him in his arms and proceeded after Sollux and Deuce.

Aradia got off the couch and stalked down the hall, giving Droog a scathing look as she passed. Droog winced slightly.

Finally, the only teen left in the room was Karkat. He approached Slick nervously, twisting his claws together. “Dad-” he began. “Were you really- I mean-”

“Go to bed, kid,” Slick said, turning to face the wall.

“Dad, listen, I-” Karkat tried again. When Slick made no response, however, he scowled. “Well- fine, then!” he snapped. “Fuckin’- be that way! See if I give a single flying _SHIT!_ ”

He stormed down the hall and yanked his door open, stomping inside.

“ _ **FUCK** YOU!_” he yelled, and slammed the door, making the hinges rattle.

 

“…Well,” Droog said at last, unfolding from his chair. “That went well, don’t you think?”

When Slick said nothing, not even a scathing comment or a swear word, Droog cocked a brow ridge and moved over to him.

Slick was hunched over his prosthetic arm, running his thumb over a clumsily welded ridge that slashed diagonally across his palm.

 

“..I told you to get a new one,” Droog told him flatly, crossing his arms. “That touching tribute’s gonna come back to bite you in the ass when you least expect it, mark my words.”

Slick turned to look at him, single white eye gleaming in the darkness. “…What the hell are we doin’,” he said, less of a question than a despairing statement.

 

“This _was_ your idea,” Droog replied.

“An’ _you’re_ one a’ the idiots who went along with it,” Slick shot back.

“Touché,” Droog said, nodding.

There was silence for another moment. “I loved ‘im,” Slick muttered. “Damn if he ever knew about it, the oblivious bastard, but I did.”

“I know,” Droog said.

“An’ I love the damn _kid_ now, too,” Slick continued, looking up at the ceiling. “I mean- not like _that,_ obviously, Christ- but I look at ‘im- I look at _ALL_ of ‘em- and I see him. Y’know? I see… what he was workin’ for. His dream. His damn-” his voice cracked- “his fuckin’ _stupid_ dream.”

 

Droog didn’t say anything. He just placed a hand on Slick’s shoulder, and Slick sat, motionless, the only light in the room the purple-edged spark of Droog’s cigarette.

Eventually a cold, metal hand came up to meet Droog’s warm but rigid one.

There was silence.

* * *

 

She wanted to gnaw on her lip, but her sharp teeth would macerate the flesh and ruin a perfect coat of $100,00 custom-mixed matte lipstick. Not that she’d paid for it, of course, but the thought was enough to make her resort to grinding one of her necklaces between her molars.

_Fifteen years,_ she thought, mind boiling with rage. _Fif-teen GLUBBIN’ years an’ they can’t even figure out how to remoby ONE lil’ scar?!_

 

“Excuse me, your I-Imperiousness?”

She glanced over at the shrimpy scientist with blunt horns- probably a goldblood, according to the bioelectricity that tingled her fin tips- twitchier than a dying krill and twice as ugly.

“Water you want,” she said flatly.

The scientist shuffled their papers nervously. “Ab-about the procedure,” they stuttered. “Everything is going according to the sch-schedule-”

She waved a hand dismissively, bracelets jingling. “Except for the dam scar, amirite?”

 

The scientist nodded frantically. “According to the thaumaturges, there’s some kind of- of enchantment- most likely a blood oath- binding the- the subject and- someone else- together and aff-fording him- protection- from our attempts to-”

She groaned, rubbing her hand down her face. “Aw, _shit,”_ she growled. “A glubbin’ _blood-oath?!_ Are you cullshittin’ me?! _THIS_ is why it’s taken so long to get this coddam project outta the harbor?!”

The scientist flinched.”Y-yes, your High- I mean your Imperious-” 

“Clam up,” she ordered, and the scientist obliged, clamping their lips shut and turning yellow around the metaphorical gills.

 

She paced back and forth, hair trailing along the ground behind her. “Gahhhhh,” she muttered, gnawing on her thumbclaw, ignoring the hot pink nail polish flaking off into her mouth.

Suddenly, she brightened.

“So- this oath,” she said, walking up and pressing her nose to the lab window. “The other guy- or gill- or nonbuoynary, whateva- they’re still kickin’, right? Otherwise the glubbin’ thing wouldn’t still be in plaice.”

 

There was silence for a moment, and she looked at the scientist out of the corner of her eye. “You can talk _now,_ ” she said exasperatedly.

“Uh- yes,” they squeaked.

 

A nasty, sharklike grin spread slowly across her face, and the scientist took several steps back, trembling. “ _Soooooooooo,_ ” she drawled, “all we gotta do is _find_ the suckafish who bound themself to our lil’ guppy an’ _krill_ ‘em, right?”

The scientist shuffled through their papers frantically. “Th-that appears it would do the, uh, the trick,” they agreed. “But how-”

She shrugged. “Figure it out, it’s what I pay you minnows for. Get the thaums to track ‘em down- maybe torture the shrimp so’s he glubs who his lil’ friend is. I don’t care.”

She checked her neon-piped diamond-encrusted watch. “Aw, crab- I gotta jetski.”

She strolled towards the exit of the corridor, heels clicking on the concrete floor, and waved again. “Take care of it,” she called over her shoulder. “I got an empire to run.”

Deep in the lab, someone started screaming.

* * *

 

Someone had thrown a grenade through the window of the Crew’s favorite greasy-spoon cafe.

“My money’s on the Felt,” Boxcars grunted.

“No way,” Deuce objected. “Betcha it was some punk kids messin’ around.”

Droog shook his head. “It looks like an insurance racket to me,” he said. “Had to be some of Kingpin’s.”

 

Slick growled. “Can we all just _shut the fuck up_ an’ find somewhere to _EAT?_! I’m _starving!_ ”

 

Droog rolled his eyes. “There’s another diner two blocks over,” he said flatly. “Come on.”

He turned and started walking away, Deuce scurrying after him.

Boxcars shrugged and strolled after them with his hands in his pockets, and Slick scowled and trailed behind them begrudgingly.

 

The other diner was a small, dingy but surprisingly crowded establishment. When Droog pushed the door open, the wave of hot, greasy air created a sharp contrast to the unseasonable cold outside.

 

The bells on the door jingled, and someone in the kitchen yelled. “PAINT! WE GOT CUSTOMAHS!”

A harassed-sounding female voice snapped back. “Hold your horses, Jimmy, I’m- _oops!_ Sorry, sweetheart- I’m coming!”

A short, buxom Prospitian emerged from behind a booth, balancing several loaded trays. She wore a yellow blouse, blue pencil skirt, and white apron. Her elegantly draped pink headscarf set off her round, pretty features nicely.

“Hi~!” she called out, panting. “Be with you boys in a sec!”

She then disappeared into the kitchen, where there was a clattering of dishes and a jumble of voices.

 

Slick realized he was staring at the place where she had vanished. He cleared his throat and turned around, only to find Deuce and Boxcars grinning wickedly at him.

“What?” he snapped.

 

“Ooh, you were _starin’_ ,” Deuce snickered, putting his hand over his mouth.

“Wh-” Slick sputtered, feeling his face grow hot. “No! No, I wasn’t!”

“Yeah, you were,” Boxcars said, smirking. “And droolin’.”

 

Slick wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Shove it up yer _ass,_ ” he growled. “ ‘M just hungry.”

Deuce started giggling furiously. “Yeah- _hee hee hee!_ Ya sure- _SNRKT!_ \- Sure _are,_ boss!”

Slick gave Deuce a kick- not too hard, but enough to smart. Deuce yelped, stumbled sideways and knocked over a plastic plant.

 

“ _That_ was uncalled for,” Droog said, twirling an unlit cigarette around his fingers.

Deuce rubbed his side. “Yeah, boss, we was just messin’ with ya!”

“Go fuck yerselves,” Slick snapped. “I hear _one more_ fuckin’- fuckin’ _innuendo_ or whatever-”

 

“Gentlemen?”

Slick jumped and whirled, hand flying to the knife at his belt.

 

The pretty Prospitian blinked up at him. “Your table’s ready,” she said, adjusting her headscarf. The rosy lining of her joints flashed between her ivory shell plates. Slick swallowed hard.

 

“Thank you,” Droog said smoothly, pushing his way to the front.

She smiled and turned. “Follow me,” she said over her shoulder, setting off across the diner.

Droog trailed after her, and Slick, after a moment’s hesitation, followed suit.

Boxcars tapped Deuce, who was attempting to right the fake plant, gently on the shoulder. “C’mon, buddy,” he said.

Deuce looked around, blinking. “Huh? Oh!”

He patted the plant and scurried off after the others.

 

Slick’s eye was fixed on the waitress’s hips as she weaved around tables.

Suddenly, she stopped at a table in the corner and turned with a flourish.

“Here we are!” she smiled.

He attempted to look away, but it was obvious from the way her eyes widened that he just wasn’t quick enough.

Her eyes flicked up and down, then she smirked and gave a lazy wink. Dimples creased the soft shell around her lips, and Slick felt a flush of heat creep up under his neck plates.

 

“Well, you fellas just settle down here,” she continued, “and I’ll be right back to take your orders.” She gestured to a chalkboard above the kitchen door. “The menu’s right over there; can I get you started with anything? Some coffee, maybe?”

“Coffee would be lovely, thank you,” Droog said, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

“Okay!” she replied brightly, pulling a notepad out of her apron and scribbling something down. “Well, I’m Ms. Paint, just call if you need anything–”

From the kitchen there was the sound of something crashing and a loud yelp. “ _DAMMIT,_ KACOLI!” the loud voice from earlier screeched. “YER SUPPOSED TA  _WASH_ THE DISHES, NOT _SMASH_ ‘EM-”

“Oh, _no,_ ” Ms. Paint sighed exasperatedly, shoulders slumping. “I’ll be right back,” she promised, hurrying towards the kitchen.

“ _JIMMY!_ Don’t _SHOUT_ at her, she didn’t _MEAN_ it!”

 

Slick collapsed into the chair next to Droog. “Droog,” he whispered hoarsely, swatting the other Dersite’s shoulder. “Droog. Man. Droog. Did- was- she was- winkin’, right?”

“Stop hitting me,” Droog ordered, scooting over as Boxcars squeezed into the corner. “And yes, she did wink.”

 

“ _Yes,_ ” Slick whispered, pumping his fist. Then another thought occurred to him. “Droog,” he hissed again. “Was she- was she winking at you or at me?”

Droog rolled his eyes. “Considering _I_ wasn’t the one who got caught staring at her ass-”

“I wasn’t _starin’!_ ” Slick protested.

“-I’d _assume,_ ” Droog continued, “that she was winking at _you._ ”

 

Deuce clambered onto the remaining chair and popped his head over the edge of the table. “What are we talkin’ about, fellas?” he asked.

“The cute waitress Slick’s carryin’ a torch for,” Boxcars answered, cramped uncomfortably in the corner.

 

Slick spluttered. “I’m not- I ain’t- it’s not a _torch_ , okay?!”

“But you do think she’s cute?” Boxcars asked, raising his brow ridges.

“A doll!” Deuce piped up, patting his hands against the tabletop excitedly.

“A skirt,” Boxcars agreed, leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest. His chair gave an ominous creak.

“A tight tomato!” Deuce said.

“A real looker,” Boxcars finished.

Slick buried his face in his hands and growled. “Will you _stop_ _fuckin’ TALKIN’_ like that?! It’s 2018, dammit!”

 

Droog pulled a newspaper out of his jacket and opened it with a flourish. “She _is_ quite the choice bit of calico,” he said.

Slick rounded on him. “Diamonds, if you _fuckin’ start_ I swear to _GOD_ I’ll–”

He caught a flash of pink out of the corner of his eye and straightened up. “Everybody shut up, she’s comin’ back!”

 

Ms. Paint approached, balancing four mugs on one tray and a pot of coffee and containers of sugar and creamer on the other. “Here you go, boys!” she said cheerily, distributing the mugs and pouring steaming coffee into them. “Hot coffee comin’ right up!”

As she slid the mugs around, Droog kicked Slick’s shin under the table.

“ _Agh!_ ” he yelped. “What in the-”

Droog shot him a look over his newspaper.

“Oh, right,” Slick said hurriedly.

He leaned his elbow on the table in what was supposed to be a seductive pose. “Say, uh… You come here often, doll?”

 

She blinked and cocked her head slightly, and Slick started mentally kicking himself. _Of COURSE she comes here often, ya fuckin’ moron! She WORKS here! Shit!_

Then Ms. Paint snorted and started to giggle.

“You’re cute!” she said, placing the last coffee mug in front of him. “But I hope you’re not substituting compliments for tips, mister.”

Her hand lingered on the mug just long enough to be noticeable, then she tucked the trays under her arm and sauntered back to the kitchen.

 

Slick watched her go, a dopey grin on his face, then turned to the others.

They all looked back at him with disappointed expressions.

 

His face fell. “What?!” he demanded.

“Really?” Droog asked, folding his newspaper and putting it aside. “ ‘You come here often’?”

 

“I PANICKED, okay?!” Slick snapped back. “That’s what _happens_ when somebody fuckin’ _KICKS_ ya!”

“Wow, boss, you have _NO_ experience with redrom,” Deuce commented. “Well, I mean, even when we was hangin’ with K an’ his crew, you were SUPER awkward around ‘im- OW!”

He glared across the table at Droog, who pointedly ignored him.

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Slick grunted, picking up his coffee cup. “An’ what about you?” he asked Boxcars. “Usually you’re all over this romance stuff, yeah?”

Boxcars was rubbing his nasal ridge, eyes squeezed shut. Finally, he exhaled. “That,” he said flatly, “was one a’ the WORST displays a’ flushed courtship I’ve ever seen.”

 

“Aw, c’mon,” Slick objected. “It wasn’t _that-_ ”

Boxcars cut him off with a wave of his massive hand. “It was… _really_ bad,” he replied. “I mean- fer god’s sake, yer name is Spades _Slick_ , an’ _this_ is how you act around dames?! We should change your name to Spades _Idiot._ ”

 

Slick scowled and took a swig of coffee. It burned his tongue and he choked, but managed to swallow it. “Hey,” he gasped, “ ‘S not like I’ve had much experience with dames who don’t-” he gestured to his eyepatch and metal arm. “Y’know. ‘Sides, she thought it was ‘cute’, right?” He added, putting down the mug and making quotes with his fingers.

“Yeah,” Boxcars agreed, crossing his arms. “Apparently she’s into morons.”

“Wh- _HEY!_ ” Slick shouted angrily, slamming his metal fist against the table. “I’m _NOT_ a– aw, _fuck!_ ”

His mug fell over, spilling coffee all over his lap.

“Oh, great job,” Droog congratulated him sarcastically.

“You shut _up_ ,” Slick hissed, jumping out of his chair. “Fuck- _shit_ , that’s _hot…_ ” 

 

“My point is proven,” Boxcars announced.

“This is _your_ fault,” Slick snapped at him, pointing accusingly. “Agh, _fuck…_ Somebody gimme some fuckin’ napkins or somethin’.”

“There aren’t any,” Droog told him, holding up the empty napkin dispenser.

“Shhh _iiiitt_ ,” Slick swore. “Fine, whatever…”

He began crabwalking towards the counter, cursing under his breath the whole way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not done with this chapter yet  
> stay tuned for more... or don't, if you would rather not. i don't know your fic preferences. i'm just doing this for fun.


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